And I Shall Call You...

I've been...cat sitting..kind of.

While my aunt is back at work in South Africa for a couple months, I'm staying with my cousin to help her with various things..one such thing being to take care of their animals. She doesn't really NEED help, but there are a lot of things on the go and with four dogs, two birds and a cat...on top of a million other things..it's a lot.

Since the cat has always been my aunts, she kind of falls under my domain.

Thing is, she's KINDA CRAZY.

Take for instance the other day...she stayed in my room for a couple hours while we were out and about. She doesn't mix too well with the dogs always..so when we're going out we'll sometimes leave her sleeping in a bedroom or somewhere where they can't bother her and she can't bother them.

We've done this about a KAZILLION times before, and she's really use to it.

THEN we left and evidentally she had a little EPISODE.

Oh, do I ever have photographic evidence of the crazy.

The first thing we saw? Oh yeah...she was mad at that there carpet. Mad as a hatter.




Next? She decided to try and get out not UNDER the door, but by opening it. And scratching the heck out of the door frame.



Evidentally that didn't work out so well for her, so she took out her anger on the door knob. Yep. Scratched that all to bits too.



If you're wondering how she managed to attack the doorknob, because well, it's high and what the heck, she's a CAT - well, then start questioning how she put HOLES in the DRYWALL. All the way up to the window. Which is a good 5-6 feet off the ground.



Don't believe me? Okay - here's the closeup:



Oh yeah she did.

Oh crazy cat - From now on I shall call you...destruct-o-cat. Yep. That's ACTUALLY her new name.

Coping (Or Lack Thereof)

Sometimes I convince myself that I'm doing okay.

I go spurts without tearing up...and I'm okay.

But that's only because I've managed to momentarily forget.

To push it out of my mind.

To pretend. .

I've done more laundry in the last few weeks then I've done in my entire life.

The dishes are done.

I force myself to cross things off lists.

I play the distraction game whenever I can...

And even when I talk about it..it's facts, it's this, it's that. It's not emotion. I stay on the other side of the emotion train...because it's a train that likes to pick me up and take me places that make my heart break.

Like when I'm cuddling my puppy, and I realise that my grampa will never show up with his pockets stuffed with cookies for him ever again.

Or when I pass by one of the places we use to grab lunch or dinner at..and just sit and talk...

The pictures that surround me..remind me of so many happy times...

The fact that I will never get another hug or an 'i love you'.. has tears streaming down my face.

That all of those things make me stop and make me realize. They make me realise those times are only memories now..

And it breaks my heart. Over and over and over again.

In the scrapbooking asile in walmart, I get teary eyed.

On the phone with a friend, I can't talk because I'm silently sobbing.

And the shower, I think about conserving water and showering simply in tears - I'm convinced that is the best place to have your own personal breakdown - no one ever knows and your tears just wash themselves away...

Well, no one knows until you post about said breakdowns in the shower on your blog that is.

Whoops.

It's not any easier..this state of numb avoidance...

But I like to pretend that is.

Maybe THAT is my coping mechanism.

Math Vs. Shopping

I hate math. I really do. I'm not even kidding a little bit.

In highschool I dropped all math classes once they weren't compulsorary anymore - but my guidance counsellor decided that was probably a bad decision - and signed me up for one without me knowing it...thus why I have a grade 12 math credit. Turns out he wasn't such an idiot, because I ended up taking far too many statistics classes in university thanks to one half of my double major, stupid psychology.

Despite taking math for oh, five years longer than I ever wanted to - I still hate it.

Even though I really truly hate it with oh so much passion...I still find myself using it..way too much. Standing in stores, particularily grocery stores, and spending way too much time looking at prices of food and breaking it down to the unit price and finding the best possible deal. Which - GASP - isn't always the biggest size.

I don't know where this compulsion stems from...but I just do it without even thinking.

I guess part of it is because it seems silly to buy in bulk when it's not even close to being worth it...and when so many big box stores and discount stores and yelling from the roof top to come and check out their "deals" when in actuality - they're kinda ripping you off.....or selling you crap that you just don't need.

So this results in me spending WAY too much time saving 13 cents on a bag of carrots.

Or 7 cents on a can of tomatoes.

Or TWENTY SIX CENTS (!!) on a loaf of bread.

Which makes me think that I'm AWESOME - Because HELLO! I just saved FORTY-SIX CENTS! WOOT! GO ME!

Except then then I remember what you can get for 46 cents these days...and when you realize that you can't even make a phonecall at a payphone for that anymore...well...it gets kinda depressing. Especially when you just spent half an hour lurking around a store looking for 'deals' to still be 4 cents short to make a phonecall at some germ infested payphone.

And then you remember that you SAVED the 46 cents and you consider it a complete victory.

Until you realize that the day previously you spent about 46 gazillion times MORE than you just saved on clothes, shoes and accessories and didn't compare prices once.

And - the kicker - when getting dressed - still manage to hate all of the clothes in your closets. Despite having enough for two houses. Whoops.

Okay - so maybe I just hate math when it means that I don't get new pretty shoes.

Yeah, that MIGHT be the problem.

Lesson Learned

I had some errands to do a little while ago. Stuff that needed to be done in the morning - before I could head out to the farm. So instead of my old gross 'I'm working on the farm' clothes..I threw on some half respectable clothing.

Then decided that even though I felt like garbage...going without makeup just wouldn't do. So I quickly did a once over with makeup and made myself look half respectable.

Then I went and dropped off my cousins.

All was good.

I did my first errand - talked to one person, kept all my stuff together and dropped off what I needed to drop off.

Then I went and did some running around...

And then I was off to my second errand...where I dropped some stuff of.

I was so proud of myself. I was holding things together. Keeping busy. I was doing better.

Then I went to my third drop off.

And I was okay, I talked and chit chatted..with a woman I'd never met before

Then came one question, one look..and suddenly...I was not doing better enough, nor was I busy enough..to not be wearing waterproof mascara.

Lesson learned.

The hard way.

How Sweet It Is

Spring has sprung! And it has brought us into the thick of syrup season! I often feel soooo lucky to grow up in this area of the world where we have an abundance of this 'liquid gold'. Luckier still? To grow up on a farm whose first crop of the year is making that sweet nectar! Wanna see why I love it so much? Well, there are a million and a half reasons why..but here is a little glimpse into my world in the spring. Mud puddles, the sweet smell of sap boiling and walks through the woods. Love :)




Charlie and I going for a walk in the woods :)



A few snowshoe prints - before the snow melted!



Sticky, yicky, lovely mud!



Drip...drop!



We do it all by bucket! No pipeline for us..hello muscles!



Can you tell it was a beautiful day and I was having fun playing with the camera?!



The sugar shack!!



The sugar shack on a sunny afternoon :)



The steam from the evaporator :)



Putting some more wood on the fire!



Pouring off some of the first syrup!!



Oh Canada - I love you!





And THAT folks, is why I live in one of the most awesome places in the whoooole world.

Playing Grown-Up

Most days...I don't feel as though I'm really any older than I was 3, 4 or 5 years ago.

But when I look around me...everyone seems to be growing up. But me? Well, I'm just sitting here..watching them go about doing their grown up things.

I mean sure, I did the school thing.

Five years and two degrees later...I've been there, done that.

Did a little bit of that travelling thing too.

As the Germans say...Wonderbar.

But I'm not in any sort of a relationship - let alone a serious one. I'm not engaged, getting married, having children, buying houses or decorating them. I don't think much about RRSP's or climbing the ladder in my job field, paving my driveway or insurance premiums, light fixtures, diamond shapes and six figure salaries.

It's just not my thing right now. I'm not there...I (gasp) don't..care.

So in that respect, I'm not even pretending to play grown-up.

But everyone around me seems to be.

In the last month-ish I've had:

A friend from university have her (SECOND!) baby.
A friend buy her first home with her new(ish) husband.
A friend start a new an awesome grown-up job.
A friend get herself some bling from her now fiance.
A couple people start to show their baby bumps that are due in the next while..
A friend shake things up with her wedding so that they are now TECHNICALLY getting married in a MONTH.

All around me, people are playing grownup - to every degree on the spectrum of grownup. From houses, to babies to marriages - even my LITTLE BROTHER is engaged and looking into getting the first home of his own.

It's just so surreal - to watch people do all of these things that I just feel are way too old for me. I'm not there, and I'm rather okay with that. Sometimes though, I just feel like I'm standing on the sidelines, watching people do things and I get caught up and I'm like...ooo...I want that TOO! And then I get all blah and jealous - until I realize that I don't ACTUALLY want that right now. And I know I don't because there are so many other things that I really DO want to do...but because (practically) EVERYONE around me seems to be playing the 'I'm a grownup' game...I'm like..OH HEY BANDWAGON! LET ME JUMP ON TOO! WAIT WAIT WAIT FOR ME!

When in actuality - I'm quite content with my life right now...even if it does sometimes mean that I'm feeling like a misfit in comparison to the other 20-somethings in my immediate surroundings.

It's just bizarre to watch people all around you do these grownup things when you don't feel nearly old enough or as though you have nearly enough life experience to do ANY of those things. When you can't imagine paying property taxes, are really bad at remembering to take care of yourself - let alone another little human being, and you just want to enjoy being a carefree 20-something. I sometimes feel like I'm wandering around lost - and no one gets it..because they're all playing the game.

And it's not that I'm playing. Despite my best efforts, I AM getting older. I'm doing more grownup things..and I'd like to believe that I may be a little bit more mature than I was a few years ago. I just feel like I myself am (personally) too young to do most of these things. I'm twenty four! Why does society make me feel like I should be doing these things? I have plenty of years for car payments, mortgages, babies and weddings...right?

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

It's difficult because it feels as though the vast majority of people around me right now are at that point in at least some way or another - jobs, serious relationships, husbands and wives, babies, mortages and all of that jazz - and it's hard to explain to them what's going on in my head. They just don't get it - because they're not sitting in my shoes - just like I don't really get what they're going through - because I'm not in their shoes. It's not that I don't love them dearly, and it's not that I don't want them in my life. I love them of course..but it's just odd to feel like you don't really FIT right. Like you've put on a new shirt and the tag is scratching at your neck and it's just not comfy and you can't quite put your finger on why.

Anywho - I'm sure it's just my mind playing tricks on me as I'm pretty sure that the older I get..the more people look like they have everything figured out - but the more I'm pretty convincd that NO ONE has ANYTHING figured out.

For now I'll go back to watching on the sidelines as all of the lovely people in my life play grown-up as I play "I'matwentysomethingthatstillhasnoideawhattheheckshe'sdoingwithherlife" and pretend not to care that everyone else is giving off the impression that they've figured "it" out (whatever IT is).

Sounds like a plan to me.

That Time Of Year..

This time of year has always been one of my favourites..and I often get asked why. Why do I love the mud? The puddles? The changing of seasons? Why do I love spring the most..and not summer? What's so GREAT about spring?

Wanna know what's so great about spring?

Squishy squirmy mud puddles to ooze your boots into. It means that the ground is thawing and warm days are upon us.

The way the air smells. Crisp. Clean. Refreshing and new. As though ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is possible.

Longer days that make you want to sit outside and take in a sunset - after 4pm?! Who knew?!

Not having to wear a jacket anymore! HELLO WORLD! THESE WHITE ARMS COULD USE SOME SUNSHINE! THANKS!

Flipity to the flops. Hallelujah. I love you and how my toes can wiggle about freely.

Baby animals. Um. HELLO. Cute to the extreme. I think yes.

But my numero uno reason why I love spring?

It's maple season.

The sweet smell of sap boiling...indescribable. The taste of warm syrup just after it has come out of the evaporator...irresistible. Taking a walk through the sugar bush and catching some sap on your finger...irreplaceable. The smell of a wood fire burning while you catch up on the goings on of the day? Lovely. Amazing. Wonderful. And all of the other pretty adjectives that exist in this world.

It's in my bones. It's in my soul. I just..love it.

Sappy Fam Lovin's

There have been a lot of controversary and issues in the past while..things that break my heart..things that I never thought people would think or say, things that I never thought that I would think or say. People who have disappointed me in the worst ways, who have shown me their true character and made me bawl because I don't know what to do anymore.

I understand that there are always people like this in the world, and I know that there's not a whole heck of a lot that I can do about it..but it's just so hard to accept. Especially when these people are people who are related to you, who are in your family, who you're bound to for life.

Like it, love it or hate it incessantly..you are.

But sometimes, even when you're at odds with certain family..and you just don't know what to do anymore..and you've given up hope..other family steps up their game and pulls up the slack when you least expect it.

They restore your faith that good people exist.

They help you out when you're in a bind and can't rely or trust anyone else.

They dole out hugs and a listening ear like it's nobody's biznaz.

And they make you smile..just because they're them.

At a time when I'm so frustrated and upset..when there is so much going on and I'm stressed and have a million things on my plate. When I'm so worried that everything is going wrong and I just don't know what to do anymore...they're there. Rounding up troops. Sending in backup. Changing their plans. Making dinner, making coffee, making smiles. Making sure that everyone keeps on trucking and doing the best job possible.

Sometimes I'm amazed at the gems I've been lucky enough to uncover in certain family. Feels like I've won a million bucks.

Well, not that I know what that feels like. But I'm not so opposed to finding out..should some kind, wealthy, annonymous donor like to be a part of that social experiment ;)

Reasons I Shouldn't Be An Adult

Sometimes I don't know how I'm allowed to be a functioning adult in society. I mean...I'm pretty ridic.


This is a list of SOME of the kinda, sorta MAYBE important things I need to remember to do:

Eat

Drink

Pee

You would think by the ripe old age of 24 I would have at least some of these down...

But no. Today I ate breakfast at 7am.

I then didn't eat again until almost 6pm.

BECAUSE I WAS DOING STUFF AND THEN FORGOT ABOUT EATING.

I also forgot about drinking that entire time. And peeing, until just now. That's TWELEVE HOURS.

How does one just FORGET about these things?!

My brain is just a WEE bit scattered. Oi.

Little Miss Popular

Sometimes it's hard to be me.

You know, because I'm so freakin' awesome.

Take for instance this morning...I walk into a garage on my way to the farm...to buy a newspaper.

Nothing too out of the ordinary.

I grab a paper, get out my toonie and put it up on the counter to pay.

The girl looks at me. Then she looks at the newspapers behind me. Then she looks at me again.

Then she's like..uhh...aren't you going to buy the newspaper that you're in?

Seriously - I just can't go ANYWHERE without being recognized anymore.

That, and now I felt kinda obligated to buy the paper I was on the front page of. She had pointed it out..and it seemed kind of rude to be like...pssh...I'm too important to look at myself in the newspaper. ;) Or, you know, admit that I had no idea it was there..ha.

But seriously..between the tv and the papers and everything else...I'm just WAY too popular for my own good.

Or you know, live in WAY too small of a town.

But it's probably the popular thing. Just wait until the newest commercial hits the air this spring - I'm probably gonna need a bodyguard.

Mother Nature Does Drugs?

It's midnight.

It's pitch dark.

I'm wearing a tank top.

And walking outside on the deck.

Is it just me.. ...or is there something SO wrong with that picture.

Not because midnight's not cool..I like it..even if sleep is kinda sweet too.

And not because I don't ENJOY being comfortable walking around in a tanktop outside.

But..yanno..it's MARCH.

IN CANADA.

What's up with that yo?

We've got no snow, temperatures in the double digits and plenty-o-sunshine.

I'm pretty sure that mother nature got her months messed up and switched May with March. There's really no other logical explanation. Seriously. Well, unless you choose to believe that Mother Nature is doing drugs. Then that explains EVERYTHING. But I personally like to believe that mother nature is just a little forgetful. Not a crackhead.

Now that I've said that...we're going to get dumped with a snowstorm and I'll have to trade in my flipflops and cry.

Aw man. I just looked at the weather forcast for next week..and I totally jinxed myself. BUT..by saying THAT...I double jinxed myself which I can only assume is a double negative which means that I unjinxed myself...but by acknowledging the double negative I just ruled out the double negative so that means that I've yet again jinxed myself...or...have I?

Schiesse.

I'm going to bed before my head implodes. Or before I have to rapidly alternate between airconditioning and having a roaring fire going. Whatever comes first.

Ewwa

I've been sick for the last couple of days..

Nothing serious, just a cough, sore throat and a little bit of an ear ache.

Oh. And the sniffles. Gotta love THOSE.

I'm basically walking around like I'm the sniffle monster.

Which means that just about every where I go, I sniffle.

Not so surprising when you have a cold...but it's still kinda gross, and I hate being sick...

Just the feeling of being blah is so gross...but I didn't realize quite how gross it was though...how icky the sniffling was...

That is, until my cousins parrot started IMITATATING my sniffles.

Holy disgusting man.

Now, every time I walked into the room..the bird starts sniffling as though it can't breathe through its nose...and it sounds like gross. And a half. Making long disgusting (definitely exaggerated) sniffling noises.

I need to get better, quick.

Because seriously..if this is what I sound like...I'm pretty sure I disgust myself beyond belief. Ew.

A Grandfather

Grandparents are special people. Grandfathers are special people.

Mine gave wonderful hugs, always had an ear or three to listen to me babble with his quiet, serene nature and took me out for icecream. When I was little I would go to church with them every week - where he called me a wiggle worm becasue I could never sit still in the church pew we sat in together...and then held me in his lap while I leaned against his chest, feeling his heart beat as I calmed down and became a little less wiggly. He taught me how to keep my money organized while I was working at farmers markets, a system that is so ingrained in my mind that I'll never be able to do it any other way. He taught me how to make beautiful displays of fruits, and to always say hello and smile, no matter what. We went on roadtrips together; the cheese and/or chocolate factory (you can't do one without the other when they're down the road from each other and you've driven an hour to get to ONE) to the east coast - just the two of us. Where he showed me the farm where my father was born, where he owned a store, the church that they went to and so many of the other stories that went along with his life there. Where he taught me to love seafood, instead of hide from it. And our biggest trip - Africa. Where we saw where the oceans met, drove through the mountains and saw penguins playing in the ocean.

He always smiled his sweet smile, pulled a dog cookie out of his pocket and made friends with whatever dogs happened to be in the vacinity.

Through his gentle nature, I learned how to be patient, kind and loving. I could never begin to tell you how many people I have met over the years at the farmers markets who asked about him every time I saw them, because of the impression that he left on their lives. The little old ladies from his apartment building and men from the dairy he worked at, who talked so highly of him, who made me even more proud to be his granddaughter.

I learned from him..that sometimes letting your little brother win at a game of cards was okay, that he made the best scrambled eggs in the world, and that sometimes it was okay to cry.

We had a special bond, even if we were different in a lot of ways - and I’d like to believe that in a lot ways, in the way that we loved, shared and enjoyed life - we are alike. I believe that the best parts of him live on in all of the great things and people that he’s left behind, that he’s passed on to the people he loved over the last eight decades. All of the good that he has done in his life can never be forgotten because it lives in the people and places his life has touched.

It breaks my heart to say goodbye, to let go...to hold on to the memories that tug at my heart while moving forward...but I do so knowing that he did so many wonderful things, that he was such an amazing person, whom I love so very much...and I know that he would want me to...so I am.

It's a process, there will be good days along with the not so good days..but I just have to remember these words..the one I found quite a while ago..that just..fit...so perfectly.

You can shed tears that he is gone
or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he’s left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him only that he is gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind
be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what he’d want;
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.


♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Grampa Myron
July 1926 - March 2010
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

All You Need Is Love

I am an extremely loved, lucky indivdual.

At a time when I am feeling immense amounts of sadness, when I'm mourning the loss of an amazing man...whose hair was filled with silver and heart was filled with gold...when I'm at odds with certain people who I thought I never would be...at least not like this..There are still huge pillars of support.

People from all walks of life, who I would have never expected to come to the wake of my beloved grandfather.

Aunts, uncles, friends, school teachers, old family friends, neighbours...great aunts that I haven't seen in half a kajillion years.

They showed up en mass, to pay their respects to the quiet man they ran into on our farm, and to give us hugs and tell us they're sorry for our loss, and that they wish there was something they could do.

They can't. But by being there, they did more than I could ever imagine.

I've never thought that funerals and all of that jazz were were very important to me. To me, it's the memories I hold close to my heart. The times we've shared together mean so much more than standing around a room filled with people.

But tonight..I realized a little bit that importance.

The importance of building those communities of people who love you, who will do anything for you, who go to things that are difficult, because that's what people do.

The ones who when they don't know what else to do...send food, food and more food.

Simply because they care.

They wish they could do something to make it better, and they wish that they could take away the pain..but they know they can't...so they do what they can, and they show up, with kleenex and a hug...and perhaps a lasagne or two.

In a time when I'm questioning so much. When I'm sad, frustrated and in absolute disbelief of certain people in my life..this is what I needed. A slap in the face reminder of how loved I am. Of how loved my family is. Of how good people can be.

Perhaps I will sleep tonight, afterall.

Tomorrow is going to be another long day..before real life reminds me that the sap is flowing..and there is maple syrup to be made. Literally.

Real life doesn't slow down for the bumps, curveballs and potholes life throws you...good thing we've got enough food to feed an army. Or three.

And So It Is..

I avoid religion discussions generally as a rule.

I have a few people who I will have a general theological discussion with..but with the vast majority of the population, I avoid it.

Not because I don't have my own beliefs or ideas, I do.

And not because I look down upon whatever yours might be - because I really don't.

I just find that so many of those sorts of things are such touchy subjects for so many people, that it's easier to just avoid that topic and move on to other things. I'm one KAJILLON PERCENT okay with people believing whatever they choose to without any sort of conflict or confrontation taking place...God, Buddah, Allah, or Aliens..as long as you can show me WHY you believe....or on the other hand..why you decide NOT to...I'm down.

Death makes you sit down and question these things though.

For a long time, I've had my own little ideas of religion and beliefs. They don't fit perfectly into any one little bubble..it's basically as if I learned little things from bits and pieces of them, put them together with some morals, tied them in a bow of values and that's where I am. There is nothing that really seems to FIT with my own little beliefs. To some, it may appear that I have none, but this couldn't be further from the truth.

Needless to say, the 'Church of Erin' has some weak points in its belief system.

Not everything is exactly worked out perfectly...yet.

And I think that's okay.

Would it be easier if I could have this magical blind faith that many around the world speak of?

Absolutely.

Would I love to have all of the answers to lifes perils?

With out a doubt.

But am I still going to be okay searching and looking for answers without a major religion in my back pocket?

Yep, I am.

My patchwork ideas are okay with me...and maybe someday I'll have enough guts to share them with the world..

But for today...I will sit with the quiet contemplation and the arduous sorrow that fills my heart..filling my mind with memories of the grandest nature.

Today's Rainbow

After a week of sleeping horrendously. Of being on edge...of getting those dreaded five o'clock in the morning phone calls that say 'come now, we don't know what's happening'...I finally got an early morning phonecall that made me smile.

One of my best friends EVER, my roommate for years and YEARS was calling to tell me some good news, some happy news.



Some RING news.

Yep. She gone done and did it...and got herself engaged. Or rather..he did it. Picked out a pretty ring...and a puppy ;)

And let me say - he did a good job.

Another engagement, another wedding to schedule into the books...holy crap we're growing up.

I'm so excited for her..I stopped by her place on my way home from work (before she was heading OFF to work..) and got to see the new bling and chit chat for a few minutes. She was so excited and so happy..that I couldn't help but smile and be happy and excited for her.

Amid clouds of saddness there is always a rainbow. This was my rainbow today..

All the best Matt & Rhi! xoxo

Numb

Death notices are such odd things.

Simple pieces of paper..that make everything that much more real.

How do you encapsulate 80 odd years into a miniscule section burried in a newspaper?

Married to, worked at, children, grandchildren, things they were involved in..

Almost 84 years, put into a hundred odd words. How is that even possible?

I could fill books with words.

With pictures.

With memories.

Someone decided that grief has five stages...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...but I think that numbness comes first.

Or maybe I just skipped directly to immense sadness and that is what this feeling is that I'm feeling now.

Alas, this too shall pass..and eventually the memories will come without the tears.

I hope.

Ball-O-Emo-Mess

I am a rather large ball of emotional mess these days.

I am angry, sad, frustrated and confused...at the best of times.

It looks as though my grandfather is dying, and I'm not convinced that it is necessary that this was the path that needed to be taken. Decisions have been made that I ethically and morally don't agree with. Things have been said that can never be taken back.

Since Friday, I have been shown again and again peoples true colours. I'm terrified because it makes me disgusted, frustrated and at odds with humanity.

I hate seeing the worst in people, even when they may deserve it.

But I have believed for a long time that the idea of karma exists.

That people get what they give in this world...that I have to continue to be the best person I can be because of this, despite everything that has happened in the last week.

I have to believe this because if I don't, I fear I may go insane.

Especially after this.