Fuel Fairies

The other day I filled up my gas tank...paid the gas dude and went about my daily business.

Then the next day I did some driving, went home and yadda yadda.

The next day - I was all...driving around..when I was like..what the heck, yo. Car, I filled you up DAYS ago - and you're still at full. Are you MAGICAL!?

Thinking I had hit the motherload with a magical car I got all cocky and was about to start creating a song about how awesome I am in my magical car...Then suddenly - to my dismay, my gas tank was like...HA! GOTCHA! SUCKA! YOU TOTALLY FELL FOR THAT! HAHA! YOU LOSE! and the needle dropped.

Boo.

But the next time I got into my car? Totally more full than it had been before.

And after that - it would play a little game and alternate. Sometimes it would be full, sometimes it would have dropped a little - but it never got THAT low...

So I was all...what. the. heck?

And OF COURSE - the only logical conclusion to come to was that I had one of the mysterious, rarely seen but always sought after fuel fairies.

I know. Be jealous.

Knowing that the fuel fairy had found me in this time of need...when gas prices are stupid high and annoying...and knowing that I am full-o-awesome...well..you can imagine that I was pretty excited about my fuel tank being randomly filled up by magical little fairy-elf things.

But then - to my dismay...my car turned on..and the gas tank was all...DANGER WILL ROBINSON - DANGER!

And my fuel fairy was gone.

The orange light telling me I had no fuel was back.

And my bank account took a blow it never saw coming.

If I didn't know any better...I'd say my crap-a-licious car had decided that breaking itself more would be fun...good thing I'm in the know that stupid fuel fairies are notorious for getting peoples hopes up and leaving them on empty.

Jerks.

Ketchup Terrors

I'm weird.

If you know nothing else about me..you probably know this.

But of course, this weirdness presents itself ONLY in awesome ways.

This is just general knowledge, and although I don't HAVE to write it - I thought it'd be nice to just...state some facts.

Like the fact that I have a fear of ketchup.

Now I know you're all scratching your heads and being like..what the heck Erin? You LOVE you some ketchup.

And you're right. I DO love me some ketchup.

But it also scares me. Bunches.

For obvious reasons - such as the fact that it doesn't look or taste ANYTHING like the thing it comes from...but also for not so obvious..very peculiur reasons..that don't have any explanation or make any sense.

If I were going to eat french fries..you're darn right I'd love some ketchup on those. Yup, dump a puddle of it on my plate and let me dip away - yum!

Hamburgers? Sure!

Well - as long as I don't have to put it on myself.

If I have to put it ON food myself - and am not just dipping something into it..yeaaaah...no.

I'm not so down with that.

I won't put ketchup on my own burger, or hotdog or anything else like that.

It flat out freaks me out.

But sure - I'll eat it on a burger or other food - if you put it on there for me. And you're darn right that I'll enjoy it - lots. Well, as long as I don't have to see you putting it on. That kind of freaks me out too. And when it's really cold. Ew.

Make me put it on myself though...and I'll avoid it like the plague. Mustard? Yes please! Relish? Of course! It's one of the most overlooked condiments EVER! But ketchup?

Yeah. Kinda freaks me out.

You have my complete and utter permission to judge me...now.

Ridiculous Roommates

I have a new roommate.

She's okay I guess...

Thing is though...she always wants to be around me and she's a little clingy at times.

She follows me around - and complains bitterly when I don't inlude her in everything. single. thing. that I'm currently doing.

She thinks that she's so great - always strutting around, acting like she's the king of the castle.

And the food that she eats - uuugggh. Gross. It smells like ew.

She hates her bed, and tries to crawl into my bed with me all of the time - can we say weird?

And the kicker? If I don't get up right when my alarm goes off? She starts punching me. IN THE FACE.

Oh. And I caught her licking my hair while I slept the other night.

Yeah, she's more than a little bit weird.

Good thing she's cute.







Guess I'll keep her ;)

Canadian Camouflage

I bet you never knew that Canada had magical powers. But it's true..I swear to you...it is..we REALLY do.

You see, around and about this time of year...we as a country have amazing magical abilities. In fact, we're so awesome that we're actually almost the mighty morphing power rangers - it's seriously true.

It's a funny thing about living in this area of the world...winter hits and everything is lovely and sparkly and white. The whole world glistens this beautiful glow...

And then...

It happens.

I'm not sure whether it's because of a national security threat, or it's basic training in the possible event of a national security threat....or if it's just because we're just too plain old nice for our own good...but it HAPPENS.

What happens exactly you want to know?

We CAMOUFLAGE. Together. AS ONE.

Like I said - we the Canadian people...are the mighty morphing freakin' power rangers.

You see, as the winter goes on...the snow starts to look a little...not so nice. It gets brown and kind of gross and instead of being its nice, white, lovely self regular white yucky ..it's this brown icky everywhere you look. So, being the far too nice people that we are...we don't want to make the snow FEEL bad...so we camouflageingly morph our cars to look exactly like it.

Don't believe me?

I came home the other night and said "who the heck is here driving a BROWN CAR?"




..and then I realized that it was my mothers silver car.

Classic case of guilt induced camouflage morphing.

Classic.

My Little Tattle Tale

Tonight I was at my cousins house when one of their dogs started barking.

I don't have favourites. But she may be one that I love LOTS and LOTS and LOTS. Not that I don't love them all or anything. 'Cause I don't have favourites. But we do have a special bond...I mean...we have the same taste in clothes and EVERYTHING.



Erm - Please excuse the horrid picture. And the hair. And the sweatpants. And the general ick. I hadn't slept in days and it was the middle of the night trying to unpack my cousins house after we'd spent the entire day moving all of their crap in. So I was really tired. And a mess. And apparently gave up showering. And wearing normal clothes. But it's the only picture I have of us together wearing our twin shirts. It means we're soulmates. Duh.

ANYWAY. Her name is Dottie..and she's a tattle tale.

You see, they have three other dogs besides the dot-ster...and the biggest of the bunch is named trouble. Well - not actually. Her name is Alba..but it SHOULD be trouble. She is sneaky and far too smart and always finding ways to get into trouble.

And ANY time that she's even THINKING about getting into trouble..along comes Dot like a dirty sock - barking her little head off...sounding the Alarm that Trouble is coming. Trouble being Alba...of course.

So tonight we're playing some cards - when suddenly - barking happens. Not too unusual - it's a house with four dogs. And then I'm like...that's Dottie barking. Where's Alba? And of course - she's nowhere to be seen.

So I go into the kitchen and low and behold..She's opened the kitchen cupboards and has her head jammed in the cupboard staring at something.

If you guessed Alba in the Cupboard with a bottle of Vodka....AND if we were playing clue...you'd totally win. Totally.

Too bad we're not...sucka.




PS - Please note how in the horrid picture featured above...Alba is sulking in the corner and Dottie is staring her down. Point proven? I think yes.

OH-EM-GEE

Tonight my brother blew my mind.

He sat down infront of me. And solved a Rubik's cube.

Just like that. Twist twist. Turn turn. Twist twist. SOLVED.

And it's not like it was anywhere CLOSE to being solved to begin with. It was a big old giant mess of rubiks cube.

And I was like...WHAAAAAAAAAT. You DID that? And you didn't even move any STICKERS?!

Turns out...he's a genius.

Then he TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO IT.

A bazillion instructions later, a couple of frustrated 'no, I said turn it COUNTER CLOCKWISE - THATS CLOCKWISE"'s and probably an hour later...I too had solved a rubik's cube. WITHOUT TAKING ANY STICKERS OFF. Well, solved in the sense of...he basically told me step by step what to do. But I was the one who moved the sides (Totally counts - just sayin') to make each side it's own colour - so cool!

All this time. I thought it was just a giant game to mess with my head that was probably invented by 'the man' to smash me down and be like..YOU KNOW NOTHING - BOW DOWN TO ME.

Turns out...I just need to bow down to my little brother and do everything he says.

..Or pretend that I don't know that he's smarter than me until he finds this written on here and uses that statement against me for the rest of my life.

Pro To The Ductive

Today I've been working away preparing a presentation that I'm doing next week. Evidentally someone thinks that that it'd be a joke and a half to label me an 'expert' in my 'field'. Field being farming and marketing and all that jazz. Which you may be so inclined to be like..what are you talking about? You're a TEACHER foo'. You didn't pay thousands and thousands of dollrs to go to school for five years to be an expert at farming now did you? You majored in history and PSYCHOLOGY. That's not even close to plants, dumb dumb. Alas, I just can't help it if they just see my supreme level of awesome despite these things.

So this agricultural symposium that's being held next week was all like....YOU SHOULD COME AND SPEAK ABOUT THINGS YOU KNOW - and we'll give you FREE LUNCH.

And I was like...Uhhh...lemme think about it for a - OF COURSE I'LL DO IT! I'd be HONOURED!

...because who doesn't say yes to free lunch?!

I neglected to tell them that I'm anything but an expert...and am now frantically putting together a presentation about blah blah blah that's filled with erm ahh oooh's that will wow them them into letting me stay for lunch. But as of right now...it's basically an empty powerpoint. I think that I typed the name of our farm in there somewhere. Maybe. And I did one little drawing on my notepad of me killing a powerpoint presentation. Okay, maybe three. But other than that...I'm at a loss for what to do. Completely and utterly unproductive.

Okay. That's a lie. I did break into my mothers facebook account and change her profile picture to this lovely little picture of her doing a belly flop in my cousins dining room on new years eve.



Tell me that's not productive. I dare you.

A Love Letter

Dear Canada;

I know that lately we've been distant. In the summer our reunion was grand, and I thought that we'd never drift again. But it seems that I've left you on your own on a few occasions in the last few years and it has caused a rift deeper than I thought possible, which I know is not fair to you, or to me. I know that I've been absent off and on for a few years but I thought you understood. I know that this time of year has been especially hard on our relationship, but you need to see where I'm coming from and go easy on me. It's not that I don't love you - I do. It's just that, well, I find you rather...a tad...cold lately. You're nice and all, but when I'm around you I can't help but shudder, to the point where sometimes I can't stop shivering - just when I THINK about you. It's not YOU exactly, it's just the way that you present yourself. You give off the impression that you're warm and friendly. I can see you from the windows of my house, and you look rather respectable. Like something that ANYONE would want. The sun is shining and it makes the cape that you've covered yourself with look as thought it's made of diamonds...and we all know that diamonds are a girls best friend. You trick me with your beautiful blues into thinking that you'll be what I want to surround myself with...but once I take a step towards you and open up to greet you, you take my breath away. And not in a good way. The negativity that surrounds you is getting to me and when I look around and see you plummet further and further into the dark depths of this negative side of the spectrum...it makes me want to curl up in my bed and never go outside again. I need you to be positive once again for the sake of everything good in this world, but especially our relationship. I remember the summer when we laughed, danced and frolicked about and those memories make me so happy, that I just want those times back again.

I'm sorry to have to break it to you like this, and I don't want to hurt your feelings..because I really do love you with all of my heart. But until are able to find warmth in your heart, until you stop tricking me and making me believe that you're something that you're not...like you do every time this time of year...I don't think that this relationship can continue.

You may think that it's all a big game. And I know that your mother is putting you up to it. It is her nature after all. But it's time for you to clean up your act. Take off your cape to show the true beauty hiding within to me and once that happens...I know that we can be friends again. And maybe, one day hopefully not too far away from now...things will blossom into something more.

In other words....something needs to be done. Warm the heck up, or I'm leaving you.

Again.

Love Always Conditionally,

Erin

PS - I'm willing to meet you in the middle on this issue, but I can't be the one to do all of the work and give up everything in this relationship. You warm up a bit and I'll add another layer to insulate my feelings when I feel insulted by your behaviour. After all, isn't that what relationships are all about? Finding a way to meet in the middle so that everyone is happy...or something like that.

Pickle Problems

The other day I had a slight freak-out.

In hindsight, it was...nothing. In the grand scheme of things....it is nothing.

But, at the time..it seemed like the worlds biggest problem that has ever existed in the history of problems throughout the world.

What was my problem you may ask?

I couldn't get the pickle jar open. Yeah, I know, D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

I tried tapping the lid on the counter, running it under hot water, cold water, using all of my mighty strength, and using towels and jar opening devices to attempt to open it.

Despite all of my attempts...I couldn't.

It just wouldn't BUDGE.

And it was so annoying. So annoying that I spent hours dreaming about pickles and how much I love them and how I just wanted the stupid jar to be open. I think that my desire for a pickle got WORSE just because I couldn't have one.

You know when you get a craving for something...and nothing else will do? That's what happened..and all I wanted was a stupid pickle...and could I open the jar? Of course not.

Frustration mounted...until finally..my brother came in the house and I begged him to open said particularily tricky pickle jar...not even caring when he himself (basically the strongest person I KNOW) struggled and then finally opened it, spilling pickle juice all over him.

My selfish self didn't care....because as he wiped pickle juice off of himself and the dog eagerly did his part to help clean up...my craving was more than satisfied and I was SO happy to have had a pickle. I was basically the happiest person on the face of the earth.

When I realized...just how silly I am. Did I seriously just spend so much time agonizing over PICKLES?! Especially when it's a food that really..I shouldn't even like.

I mean...I DESPISE cucumbers.

I REALLY hate them. More than most foods in the entire world.

Like, REALLY REALLY hate them.

I can taste if they've been removed from a sandwich. I can smell them from another room. If I injest a small bite of one..I get a horrific headache. Basically, I think that they're one of the most foul, disgusting foods on the face of the earth..and don't understand how anyone could ever eat them. Let alone eat them because they ENJOY them. Eck.

But pickles on the other hand? I WILL fight you for a pickle.

Okay..maybe not fight.

But I may stick out my bottom lip, put on my best puppy dog eyes and look longingly at the pickle in question until you slowly back away from it.

Suzy Not-So-Homemaker

Tonight I got a craving...for rice krispie squares.

A craving so bad, that I had to have them...NOW. And not just now..but RIGHT now.

I have no idea why in the world I desired them so badly..but I did.

So I ran into the kitchen and dug around the kitchen cupboards hoping to find some marshmallows. There were none to be found. My heart was so sad. Then suddenly, out of the corner of my eye..in the very back of a top cupboard...I found them.

I questioned their best before date..but couldn't find one. Then, I wondered..can marshmallows even GO bad?

At this point..I just wanted some rice krispie squares...and wanted them badly..so I didn't even care...and started on my way to making them. Except that the marshmallows wouldn't really melt. They were going soft, going squishy..but just forming a giant clump of...whole marshmallows.

After a good 10 minutes of them not even coming close to melting...I was absolutely confused..and sad.

Figuring I had nothing to lose...I threw them into a bowl and into the microwave.

Did you know that microwaved marshmallows puff up like crazy..but (in this case) still don't melt?

Being my sad self still...I put the now puffy marhmallows back into the pot.

Discourage at my valiant attempt to fufil my craving...I stirred them some more.

Still..nothing. Just a giant clump of not-so-melted marshmallows.

Figuring I had nothing to lose..I dumped a couple of cups of rice krispies on top of the whole mess hoping that if I poured enough love and muscle into it..they'd still turn out.

They didn't.

Well, unless you count a block of marshallow coated on the outside with rice krispies a success.

Which, luckily..my audience of Charlie..does.

How does anyone manage to screw up rice krispies?!

...This coming from the girl who once actually burnt pasta to a BLACKENED CRISP which caused the fire alarm to go off. True story.

Wow. I'm impressive. Funny thing is...I usually can actually cook...I swear!

Incredible Intelligence

I've been lounging around watching tv the last few days. Which means...a lot-o-commercial judging has been going on.

Also, my brain is a little fried..sooo..it's been a lot of commercial confusion on my behalf.

Yesterday I saw a commercial for CBC (like the American ABC or the British BBC) ON the CBC which kept flashing these letters over and over again.

S-N-E-W

S-N-E-W

S-N-E-W

And I was like..what the heck IS this for? What is going on? What is this SNEW thing that they keep advertising? I racked my brains, and then the intranet for an answer...with little to..erm..no...avail.

Perhaps it the Swine News Epidemic Watch?

Or the Sasquatch Never Eats Whales organization.

Or, perhaps it was...Saskatoon Now Elevating Watchmen.

Point is...I had lots of possible explanations.

That is...until I realized that:

SNEW
SNEW
SNEW
SNEW

was ACTUALLY:

NEWS
NEWS
NEWS
NEWS

You know, like..the uhhh...news.

Yanno:

News (nūz, nyūz) (used with a sing. verb)
1.a.Information about recent events or happenings, especially as reported by newspapers, periodicals, radio, or television.

Today's happenings proved once again that yes, I am a GENIUS folks.

I really don't know HOW I was blessed with quite this much intelligence.