Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Playing Grown-Up

Most days...I don't feel as though I'm really any older than I was 3, 4 or 5 years ago.

But when I look around me...everyone seems to be growing up. But me? Well, I'm just sitting here..watching them go about doing their grown up things.

I mean sure, I did the school thing.

Five years and two degrees later...I've been there, done that.

Did a little bit of that travelling thing too.

As the Germans say...Wonderbar.

But I'm not in any sort of a relationship - let alone a serious one. I'm not engaged, getting married, having children, buying houses or decorating them. I don't think much about RRSP's or climbing the ladder in my job field, paving my driveway or insurance premiums, light fixtures, diamond shapes and six figure salaries.

It's just not my thing right now. I'm not there...I (gasp) don'

So in that respect, I'm not even pretending to play grown-up.

But everyone around me seems to be.

In the last month-ish I've had:

A friend from university have her (SECOND!) baby.
A friend buy her first home with her new(ish) husband.
A friend start a new an awesome grown-up job.
A friend get herself some bling from her now fiance.
A couple people start to show their baby bumps that are due in the next while..
A friend shake things up with her wedding so that they are now TECHNICALLY getting married in a MONTH.

All around me, people are playing grownup - to every degree on the spectrum of grownup. From houses, to babies to marriages - even my LITTLE BROTHER is engaged and looking into getting the first home of his own.

It's just so surreal - to watch people do all of these things that I just feel are way too old for me. I'm not there, and I'm rather okay with that. Sometimes though, I just feel like I'm standing on the sidelines, watching people do things and I get caught up and I'm want that TOO! And then I get all blah and jealous - until I realize that I don't ACTUALLY want that right now. And I know I don't because there are so many other things that I really DO want to do...but because (practically) EVERYONE around me seems to be playing the 'I'm a grownup' game...I'm like..OH HEY BANDWAGON! LET ME JUMP ON TOO! WAIT WAIT WAIT FOR ME!

When in actuality - I'm quite content with my life right now...even if it does sometimes mean that I'm feeling like a misfit in comparison to the other 20-somethings in my immediate surroundings.

It's just bizarre to watch people all around you do these grownup things when you don't feel nearly old enough or as though you have nearly enough life experience to do ANY of those things. When you can't imagine paying property taxes, are really bad at remembering to take care of yourself - let alone another little human being, and you just want to enjoy being a carefree 20-something. I sometimes feel like I'm wandering around lost - and no one gets it..because they're all playing the game.

And it's not that I'm playing. Despite my best efforts, I AM getting older. I'm doing more grownup things..and I'd like to believe that I may be a little bit more mature than I was a few years ago. I just feel like I myself am (personally) too young to do most of these things. I'm twenty four! Why does society make me feel like I should be doing these things? I have plenty of years for car payments, mortgages, babies and weddings...right?

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

It's difficult because it feels as though the vast majority of people around me right now are at that point in at least some way or another - jobs, serious relationships, husbands and wives, babies, mortages and all of that jazz - and it's hard to explain to them what's going on in my head. They just don't get it - because they're not sitting in my shoes - just like I don't really get what they're going through - because I'm not in their shoes. It's not that I don't love them dearly, and it's not that I don't want them in my life. I love them of course..but it's just odd to feel like you don't really FIT right. Like you've put on a new shirt and the tag is scratching at your neck and it's just not comfy and you can't quite put your finger on why.

Anywho - I'm sure it's just my mind playing tricks on me as I'm pretty sure that the older I get..the more people look like they have everything figured out - but the more I'm pretty convincd that NO ONE has ANYTHING figured out.

For now I'll go back to watching on the sidelines as all of the lovely people in my life play grown-up as I play "I'matwentysomethingthatstillhasnoideawhattheheckshe'sdoingwithherlife" and pretend not to care that everyone else is giving off the impression that they've figured "it" out (whatever IT is).

Sounds like a plan to me.


  1. I would like to point out I don't really have it figured out and instead I play the backwards game (started with a baby, then got the husband, then got the job, then got the house)

    So really I am just faking it...

    Plus I still rely on my Daddy far too much and thus am still 16 years old on the inside.

    Love you

  2. I think I get it. Only in the way that if I were you I would totally get it. But I'm me and thus can not entirely understand.