Frustration

Note: I wrote this post a little while..perhaps even weeks ago now...and just now found it sitting in my 'drafts' folder - although it's not necessarily as relevant to TODAY persay, a great deal of it is still is relevant to life in general..so thus, today you get ramblings from the inner workings of Erin's brain when she happened to be in a little bit of a mood. Consider yourself warned.

Todays Letter is F, and the word of the day is frustration.

Sometimes I just find myself in a perpetual state of frustration.

Frustration with people - because they just don't get it. They don't get what's going through my head, why I think the way I do, why I do things the way I do or why I am the way I am. I'm me. That's all I can be. I'm so tired to bending over backwards to try and please EVERYONE and always coming up short. It's as if I've gotten to the point where I've tried and tried and tried and tried and it's never been good enough for ANYONE...so now I just am sitting on the side of the curb, I've thrown my hands in the air and I just don't care anymore. I know that I'm losing people in my life because of it...but I don't know if I can even be bothered anymore because I'm just so frustrated with it always being like this. I'm tired of trying to do everything and leaving myself short. I'm tired of always going out of my way to do extra things and special things - and instead of just toning it down a little - I seem to have just sunk into a black hole of nothing. I'm spent, I'm tired, and I can't think or focus on anything or anyone anymore. I just want to hide from everything - and yet again, no one gets it and I just continually feel like a giant ball of failure. Even when I do manage to get my stuff together, it's never good enough for anyone - let alone lasts long enough to satisfy anyone. All I want to do is hide from everyone, but I can't do that either - so I'm stuck here in limbo - with no idea where the door is.

I'm frustrated with the world...knowledge is power, but it also has the tremendous power to put a heavy burden on your shoulders. Feeling as though there are so many things that could be done, if only people opened their eyes and gave a damn. And feeling powerless to do anything, feeling like anything you can do is so miniscule that it doesn't matter anyways. Even if I KNOW that it would and does. Wanting to do more, to BE more - and never having (making?) enough time, energy or money to do what your heart dreams of being able to do. So many sad stories, so many heartbreaks - and so little that can be done. Watching and participating in things that waste so much time, effort and who knows what else for things that just don't matter in the long run - when there are so many other things out there that need a new idea, a new thought, a helping hand or a hug.

And...as always, frustration with myself, for a million and a half different things that is kind of pointless to even think about getting into here. Wanting to be a better person, but never being that. Wanting to make changes, to make things better - wanting to do more and be more and getting stuck in this endless cycle of frustration - and then getting angry at the cycle of frustration instead of doing something about it.

And now I'm sitting on the internet writing about it instead of doing something about it.

Cue: A new cycle of frustration. Gah.