Friday, February 19, 2010

Sighs & Hugs

Today has been a long day.

Today was the day that we moved my uncle into a long term care facility.

I can't even begin to imagine what he's thinking. At moments he was absolutely fine. He was his normal, regular, happy self. He was flirting with the nurses and teasing them incessantly. He was looking through pictures and enjoying himself. But at other times..he just looked confused. Distant, worried and generally uneasy.

It was bizarre, because he does need 24 hours supervision, and he can't be left unattended - it was necessary that he be put in a secure unit. Codes in, codes out and special precautions taken to avoid wandering. His memory is...crap. But his cognitive abilities? His body? His general being? They're still completely there.

As he pointed out, he was unlike almost all of the people in the same unit as him...and to be truthful, in a lot of ways, he was. He was also very guarded - he was on his best behaviour - not unlike how he is with a lot of people out in public, or how he was when he first moved back to Canada. The thing is though - now I know that this is not actually how he is on a regular basis. He can be so normal, so much his usual self but when he's not - that's when it gets difficult, impossible and heartbreaking.

We left and I managed to only tear up a few times - and I was extremely proud of myself for that. I expected to be a constant mess of tears, but from somewhere I managed to find a source of inner strength. Even though a part of me wanted to break down..I knew that I couldn't. It was necessary to be strong, to not let him see that I was upset and to be a pillar of support for my cousin - who was, and still is, on one of the biggest an emotional rollercoasters of her life thus far.

It is so odd to be here without him. To sit on his couch. To not answer the same questions every five minutes. To not be on a strict schedule of meals and pills and all of those other things. In a sentence - it doesn't feel real. It feels like a weight has been lifted, but another element of worry, a different kind of weight has crept into my life. I've always been a worrier - even when I know something is okay, I just can't help myself. The nurses were all so nice and helpful and good - I would never worry about that..but worrying is just what I do. I think that it will be better when he gets a chance to settle in and be himself, and visiting will help to relieve the worry I think.

I know that this is the best for him. I know that he needs this...and I know that he's okay. But I can't help but wonder and worry about him...I can't help but want to drive the five minutes down the road and peek in the windows. That makes me sound so creepy..and I swear I'm not..I just have this unsatiable urge to make sure everything is always okay.

I wish there was an easier way - I wish that hugs could heal all worries and saddness and that people I love weren't faced with situations such as these. That people I love were immune from the aging process. That people weren't faced with immense amounts of sadness and worry. Unfortuantly though, that's life and there is not much else that I can think to do to help, besides being here. All I can do is have faith that it will all be okay, that it will all work out an perhaps continue to give out hugs..because even if they don't help..they make me feel like I'm doing something, anything.

Ugh - emotional situations leave me drained beyond belief. It's 6:13 and I've been ready for bed and lying on the couch in my pjs for hours now. Time for some pizza, some cuddles with the cat and an early bedtime.

The sun will come out tomorrow - cute little red headed orphans never lie - right?

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