Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Hiring = Face + Palm

I'm hiring people right now.

Well, let me rephrase that.

I'm wading through emails in an attempt to hire people right now.

And these are the general conclusion that I've come to..

1. I know that you're busy. I know that you just desperately want a job. But you see that little thing over there? That shift key? It makes certain letters have capitals. Just a little old FYI - CAPITALS ARE IMPORTANT. Also, the period key helps to break up your thoughts. Just a little food for thought. I know I'm not perfect, and I know that I make a ton of gramatical errors when I just type type type and don't edit..but me oh my. If I read one more email that says uses no capitals ANYWHERE - not at the beginning, not for the word 'I' or ANYTHING ELSE - I may become a Capital Nazi. For real 'yo.

2. It should be made mandatory that people know the difference between 'two, to and too', 'buy, bye and by', 'hear & here', 'their, there and they're' and all of those other homophones. If I were in charge of the world, you'd have to know these by the age of ten and you'd be allowed a certain number of screwups per year (Hey! No one is perfect - myself included!)..and then..cut. Yeah, deported. FROM THE WORLD. You can go and live on Mars - I hear they don't care about these things - but here on Earth...at least if I was ruling...it'd probably be the most important thing. That and world peace and all of that other stuff...yadda yadda yadda. It's harsh..but I feel it'd work for rectifying this little pet peeve of mine.

3. Know what you're applying for. At least have SOME idea of what you're applying to, don't just apply for EVERYTHING at random. That means YOU Mr. I.live.2.hours.away.and.there.is.no.way.I'd.ever.actually.work.there. and YOU Mr. I.already.have.a.job.and.want.full.time.work.yet.am.applying.for.a.temporary.position. Just so you know, I've already deleted your resumes, because I know that you don't ACTUALLY want to work here and you haven't even considered what job you're looking at, you just saw a new posting on the job bank and sent your resume to the email listed below, without even scanning the posting. Oh - and YOU guys...Mr. I.don't.even.live.in.the.country. - yeah, I've deleted yours too. I'd appreciate it if you discontinued the spam of resumes for temporary jobs when YOU DON'T LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY. I get that living in whatever third world country you live in sucks. And I understand that it would be an asset to you to get out of there, and that life is tough. I'm really sorry that I can't help..but the job I'm hiring for right now is temporary. It's VERY temporary. That means that you flying halfway around the world and needing accomodation is not really at ALL worth your while - or mine. Oh - and you'd need some serious work visas - which just mean more work for me, and are never going to come through. My apologies, but todays tip is 'look before you apply' - trust me, it'll help.

4. If you email your resume in a docx format, that REALLY sucks - because, well, my computer refuses to open those. So send them in something I can open - and you have a WAY better chance of ANYTHING coming from sending me your resume. I've heard SO many people having problems opening docx - so just say no, and then you're one step further. Also - if you send me a blank email with just your resume attached...I get nothing from that. No sense of who you ACTUALLY are, no sense of ANYTHING..and all I can tell is that you've put zero effort into applying for this job...you've opened your email, attached a file and pressed send. No effort what-so-ever on your part...which translates to me..that THAT is the kind of effort you'll give me if I hire you...which...yeaaaaaaaaah...I'm not so interested in.

5. I haven't started doing any interviews yet for this year..but here are a few ideas. Look at where you're going for an interview - AKA - If you're going to a farm and are applying to do work on a farm, wearing red stiletto's is probably not making the best impression. Don't get me wrong - I love me some red stilettos - who doesn't? But when you step out of your car and sink down so that it looks like you're wearing flats because the driveway is full of mud? It gives me hours of amusement and entertainment. And unless I'm REALLY desperate - gives you no job. Something about wearing high heels in mud combined with the look of disgust that your cute new heels are destroyed gives me the distinct impression that you do not do well working at 5am on a saturday morning...probably because it would cut into your Friday night out on the town in your cute shoes. I'm also tempted to wonder how you'd ever get by carrying 60lbs of corn in a bag, or whether you'd be freaked out about chipping a nail lugging around 4 gallon pails of sap through wet snow. If you wear jeans and a nice shirt - and decent shoes - I'm much more likely to hire you on a first impression basis. I get that dressing up is necessary if you're applying for a law firm, a job for a secretary or probably most other jobs...but this is a farm - looking nice is great - wearing heels and miniskirts makes the interview awkward...and likely makes me mock you behind your back.

6. Be polite, be nice - and refrain from making rude jokes - dazzle me with your personality, your passion for doing the best job possible - and you'll probably get the job.

It's as simple as that. I don't think that I'm asking too much...am I? Am I really being that harsh to ask for a semi-acceptable use of the English language, people who actually know what they're applying for and act/dress appropriately - and perhaps even someone who gives a damn about what they're doing?

I sure hope not - or else I have some serious issues with society and the world in general - and maybe *I* should move to Mars. I have no beef with them. Well, except the aformentioned homophone thing...but either way, I kinda like my little home here on Earth and would like to not have to move to another galaxy just to avoid banging my head against the wall.


  1. Are you kidding me?!?!?! Um, Im pretty sure ALL of that is common sense. Duuuuuuuh.

  2. @Amanda - One would think...alas though...every time I have to hire people...I just shake my head and wonder where these people come from..