Le Sigh

Today would have been his birthday..

It's hard to look at the number in my phone and not try to call it.

It's hard to know that there will be no more birthday dinners, phone calls or WHATEVER.

Sometimes I build up this wall. I go about my life doing the things that need to be done..and I repress all of the things that make me sad, worried or upset.

And then days like this happen.

Days that are important.

Days I wish things were different.

Days I wish I had magical powers to fix everything.

And you can't help but have a little meltdown, the tears falling freely as you flip through photos.

It's been months, and at times...it still doesn't feel real. Death and I don't get along very well...we have this system set up where I like to make believe that I just haven't seen (fill in the blank) for a while...

But then birthdays, special events or something else happens..

And those walls that were built up so carefully come crumbling down.

Humans are such odd creatures..

Whaaat?!

Sometimes...people confuse the bejeezus outta me.

At the farmers market a little while ago a woman said to me that she was getting hungry because it was lunch time...so I said to that woman something along the lines of "oh, you should check out what's going on over there (while pointing) and grab a free sample..all of the things the chef has made today look really good!"

Because you know, you're hungry...and free samples from a chef from a yummy restaurant...that's cool...isn't it?

Evidentally NOT. Because then this woman decided to tell me her entire medical history.

About how her doctor told her she needed to lower her cholesterol. And her salt intake. And how she had this and this and this wrong and she really had to watch her diet.

I was a little bit perplexed...as the chef was cooking (small) samples of food with fresh, local ingredients...that sounded like a pretty healthy option to me...but alas...I was not her and didn't know all of the particulars of her medical condition...so I smiled and wished her a good day.

A little while later though..she was back.

She was browsing again, and thought that I'd be interested to know that she'd found some lunch from a really nice place and brought it back to the market to enjoy.

I smiled and mmmhmm'd and didn't think much of it..

Until I saw the MCDONALDS bag in her hand.

I...uhh...WHAT?!

You pass up freshly cooked, delicious local food...for MCDONALDS? When you're supposed to be watching your salt intake and your cholesterol???

Really?

No, REALLY?!

Sometimes all you can do is shake your head in disbelief..

I Love Sleep. And Babies. I Love Babies That Love Sleep.

I use to be able to go without sleep.

I use to be able to function on a couple of hours.

I use to be able to pull an all nighter, write an essay on something and then go to class the next day...and then go and hang out with friends after that. And then maybe after a couple of days without sleep...crash into a pile, sleep for a few hours and do it all again.

Getting six hours of sleep was good - eight was fabulous.

If you got eight two days in a row? WOW..fun! There was always something to do and someone to see and papers to write and things to do. Sleep was for the weak...who slept? That's just SILLY. Don't you know that there are millions of ways that you can procrastinate on the internet instead of sleeping? 'Cause there REALLY are.

Now though? Now...I just can't.

As evidenced by my meltdown and subsequent 13+ hours of sleep...I just...cannot handle a lack of sleep anymore.

And that worries me.

Not in a "man, I wish I was young and crazy again" way...because as much fun as it was...oh dear...it actually WAS tiring.

I'm pretty sure I actually spent about four months of last winter catching up on sleep for the last SEVEN to TEN years.

What worries me...is that in TWO WEEKS (give or take) I will be living with a NEWBORN.

And in 5 weeks...I will be living with that newborn with my cousin and NO ONE TO HELP US AND TELL US WHAT TO DO.

Dude. Ima have to be...grownup. And stuff.

That's CRAZY TALK.

Especially because in 7-8 weeks..that newborn will be doing the most crying it does throughout its infancy. True story, I learneded it in my prenatal classes...babes cry the most from weeks 3-8 of life. Also when there are the highest rates of postpartum depression and shaken baby syndrome. Scary.

But yeah. Babies cry a lot.

And I'm not so worried about that. I can deal with that...I'll learn how to deal with that. And they eat a lot..but I can't do a whole bunch to do with that...I can cuddle...and love...and play...I'm good at THOSE things...

But no sleep?

...I'm a little worried about that.

Because if there is one thing I've learned about growing up?

It's that sleep is pretty darn awesome. And that I love it. And that if it was possible...I might even marry it. Me and sleep are BFF's. Our love was a friendship, set on fire...and all that other ridiculous stuff.

Let's hope I can teach this baby to learn from my mistakes and have a love affair with sleep early on....except when I want to cuddle...and kiss his cute little chubby cheeks. He's not even here yet..and already his cute little chubby cheeks have me under his spell. He's gonna have me wrapped around his little finger in no time...Hopefully wrapped around his cute little chubby sleeping finger.

Tomorrow Morning

I'd been obsessively checking facebook waiting to hear news of the arrival of my friend, Bec's, beautiful little girl..and last night my stalking skills paid off and I saw that a couple of people had posted 'CONGRATULATIONS!' posts on her wall.

Cue: Pure excitement!!

I was so pumped and excited for her, and so happy that the wee little one was finally here and she didn't have to play the waiting game anymore.

I told my (still pregnant) cousin that Rebecca's baby had arrived and she was like...oh cute! When was she born? Morning, night, what day, etc.

And that's when it got a little confusing..

Because as it was 9 at night when I heard the news...but that meant that it already well into Monday morning there...and so I had no other option but to tell her that baby Gretta was born...tomorrow morning.

Because now it is yesterday there, and when it happened, it was tomorrow here.

Confused yet?

Oh date lines...how you confuse the heck out of me. Thirteen hours time difference from here to Australia is just way too much to fathom! Especially when there are cute pictures of adoreable little babies for me to stare at! Only another couple weeks (or less!) until we have a new little babe of our own in the house! It's baby central 'round these parts...and everyone is anxiously playing the waiting game!

Semi-Charmed Kinda Life

A lot can happen in a year.

That's probably obvious - but of course I'm going to blab on and tell you all about how 'I know this from experience'.

One year I packed my life into two rather large suitcases and moved to a foreign country. Wherein I was far too often treated like dirt, wherein I learned a lot of things about myself and wherein I traveled so much that my soul soared with happiness.

And one year ago TODAY...I returned to my life as I knew it.

Overall, I learned a lot - about people, about life, about the world and most importantly for me...ABOUT me, the person who I am..and more importantly...the person who I wanted to be.

The year following that crazy year abroad has turned out to be a rollercoaster filled with high high's and low low's. With changes, twists, turns, and extreme variations of exhiliration, saddness, anticipation, excitment and terror of the unknown. Sprinkle in with a bit of insanity, a warm dose of love and a hefty side of hibernation - and you have my year.

I've made a lot of changes in the last year. I've stood up for myself in a lot of different ways. I've purged some things and I've indulged in others. I've smiled, cried and laughed more times than I can count. In a lot of ways, I feel as though the last year has been a little bit of that 'one step forward, two steps back' mentality. I've done things that I wanted to do, need to do..for me...for the first time in a long time. For the first time in maybe FOREVER....But at other times, I've slipped back into that old comfortable routine, or I've questioned everything and wondered if I'm doing the right thing or not.

In a lot of ways, it was easier to be the person who I wanted to be in Switzerland. Not that I'm not the same person...but...it was just...different. I've written about it before - this weird phenomenon where when I left, I left a lot of emotional baggage behind, or rather, the airport seemed to have lost it. Unfortuantly though - when I returned, it was right back there...waiting for me when I got back. Things that bothered me, upset me and hurt me were right there, even though it felt like eons since I had last let those things plague my mind. It was as if there I was able to reinvent myself and my brain just cut out the things that I didn't need to hold on to anymore..and I could just..be ME. I was free to be the person I wanted to be...without any restrictions or emotional baggage.

I had worried of course when thinking about coming home. That things would be different, that things would change...but no one I talked to about this seemed to take these worries seriously. This is no fault of anyones, and I think that this probably happened because they saw me in the same light they always had - how were they supposed to know that some unmeasurable quality was different? Especially when so many other things were exactly the same....

Alas, it really was as if I were staring at one of those 'spot the differences' puzzles - and I was the only one that could see the differences in myself. So blantantly obvious to me, but impossible to spot for everyone else. The longer I was home, the more some of the differences faded and the more I fell into old routines...with this of course came some old bad habits, things that I thought I had left behind. I felt this tremendous urge, this push...to just fall back into old habits and old routines...and the more that happened, the more that scared me. I had changed, grown and become so different - even if it wasn't necessarily measureable or observable to most...I had...and watching that slip through my fingers was frustrating beyond belief. I had made a promise to myself that it was okay for certain things to be the same, to go back...but that there were some things that I couldn't let change. That I had to stand up for myself, things I believed in and things that I wanted. I promised myself that I wouldn't let my own integrity or the things that I wanted out of life be held hostage, simply because they had been in the past. I wanted more, and even worse..I'd had more...and felt it slipping out of my reach. After a while back, I felt as though I'd lost a lot of those things - when that was the biggest thing that I had promised msyelf I wouldn't do.

This is the hardest thing to put into words, because there are simply none. How do you describe an overwhelming peace, happiness and general feeling of acceptance of oneself? And worse yet, how do you try to describe fear of losing that? The act of being physically able to feel the loss? How do you describe the feelings of those things disappeared and your frantic attempts to retrive them? All the while trying to explain that those things have gotten all muddled up and you can't figure out why or how and can't even come close to pinpointing what made life so intrinsically DIFFERENT - or explain how or why you want those feelings back...or even what is now different.

Thus, there has been a lot of reflection of all of the positive things that have happened this year...and of all of the things that I still sit and wonder about. All of the things that have changed because that's the way that life was going, because the pieces of the puzzle just didn't fit anymore, and because that piece that didn't seem like it would ever fit...seemed to just fall into place without any problem at all.

I always wonder though - am I making the right decisions? Am I being true to myself? What if's are bound to always plague my mind....and when I finally accept them...new (or old..) sources remind me of them and make me re-think it all...over and over and over again.

Thankfully, I have some very understanding (and wise) friends, family and confidants that believe in me, that understand, or are at least accepting of these changes and are okay with what is going through my head and (thankfully) remind me to really examine what I'm doing and whether or not I'm doing it for the right reasons..even if they have no idea that they're doing that.

If knowledge is power - then one would assume that I can only go foward from here...

But dude. Ignorance really is bliss...because this knowledge thing..it's a lot of work and thinking and sleepless nights filled with questions, worry and endless thoughts.

There has been a lot of wondering what comes next...where will this next year lead me? How will I change, grow and differ from the last? Will I travel, make new friends, or fall backwards - and land flat on my face? There are so many things I want to do, to be, to have...and I feel like it's taken me the better part of this year to get my head on straight and adjust back to this life and all of the things that come with it. To decipher between all of the things that surround me, and to be selfish and make decisions because that's what I want, what's best for me...all the while attempting to keep some sort of integrity and my own concept of self.

I still can't help but wonder though..what the future has in store for me...

But for now, all I know is that a year ago...I stepped off of a plane...and I walked back into my north american life and left a life of europe behind me. When I returned, I loved a lot of things, yet was scared of others. I kept some promises to myself, and broke a few more than I've kept...but I'm working on it. I've made some changes, but still need to make some more. This year has been an interesting one...one filled with lots of thinking, lots of growth and lots of changes...it's a little bit scary, this whole 'growing up' business...but I'm a little bit excited (in the 'holy cow I might pee myself' kinda way..) to see how it all turns out...

oh blah

This post is brought to you by last nights insomnia followed by a full day of working in the hot sun.

No need to thank me...especially before you read the following incoherant ridiculousness.





So I go through these spurts where I'm like UPDATING! I LOVE UPDATING! BLAH BLAH BLAH RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE LA LA LA SPAAAAAAAAAAARKLES!

And then I work.

And I get drained.

And I have no idea which end is up.

And I'm trying to balance everything.

But instead of balancing I'm juggling everything.

Barely.

Most times, unsucessfully.

And then I sleep.

And sometimes I get grumpy and I stomp my feet and snarl.

Next I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

Always going somewhere...never seeming to get where I need to be or do the things I need to do.

Always someone who wants more, needs more.

Always feeling inadequate about my lack of ability to balance people, places, times, things.


Always feeling sleep deprived.

Always wishing I captured more, lived more, danced more.

Wishing I knew how to make things work.

Wishing I didn't feel like I was flailing about in my attempts at adulthood.

Wishing I could be more, do more.

Wishing life was the same...but different.

Blah.

It's Not Even Halloween

I'm relatively convinced that robots are taking over the world.

You know, in the form of alarm clocks.

If you MUST know...I lost my alarm clock. Well, I didn't really LOSE it...as I took it elsewhere to be used...and then it became a permenant fixture there.

And then I took it somewhere else...and I left it in my car.

And then that alarm clock went and shacked up with someone else.

I know - my alarm clock has an exciting social life. Lucky it.

Wasn't such a big deal...as I've just been using my cellular device for my getting up neccessiities...except that more often than not...I'm flipping back and forth between houses (whilst feeling like I'm living out of my car and/or random bags of clothing I happen to be carting around whilst hoping that someone SOMEWHERE takes pity on my and does my laundry - ps - I love my mom for so many reasons, but doubly for when I show up with a bag of clothing and then it magically all goes POOF and ends up being clean.) and...where was I? Oh right. So I'm living in various houses and this and that and whatever and I have to get up in the morning but OH GOD MY CELLPHONE IS ABOUT TO DIE AND I HAVE NO BATTERY LEFT.

Crap. Yeah - not so good.

Especially when you have an alarm clock with a social life.

So my mom took pity on me and picked me up a new cheap alarm clock so I need not worry about waking up here or carting my cell phone charger between my various locations.

It'd been sitting unused for a while...as for once my cellular device had decided that it didn't hate me and was still charged everytime I needed it...when suddenly LOW BATTERY plagued my poor little cell's screen.

I sighed and resigned myself to setting up my new alarm clock. Exhausted..and not in the mood to press seven million buttons while simultaneously alternating between holding down another three, then six, then four, then nine...I plugged it in and went to go glance at the time to set it correctly.

When I came back though?

It was already set.

To the correct time.

Even the correct am/pm portion.

...Which obviously leads me to one of two conclusions:

1) Alarm clocks are now being programed with robots that know the time and have a pre-set time in which they are going to TAKE OVER THE WORLD

2) Gnomes and/or aliens have infiltrated my living space and are following me around playing tricks on me while I'm not looking to make me think that robots are trying to take over the world so that I become super paranoid about machines and technology and miss seeing the signs that gnomes and/or aliens are plotting to TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

Clearly only bad things can come from this.

Bad, bad things.

Like Aliens. Or gnomes. OR SCARY FLESH EATING ROBOT ALARM CLOCKS.

Football Fanatic

I've never been a huge sports fan.

It's just not really my thang.

Give me a good book (or even a bad one) over the sports channel..preeetty much..yeah..anytime.

That being said...I have gotten a liiiiiiiiittle bit carried away with the world cup.

I know, of ALL sports to get caught up in...soccer? Or rather..football? Really? Whodda thunk it?

I can't really figure out why I'm so caught up with it..since in North America...soccer...is overlooked in a big way.

Perhaps it's because my cousins have spent the last decade following soccer as they haven't lived in North America...and thus have swept me into the craze that is the world cup with them. My one cousin lived in Italy for a few years..and even lived there while Italy won the world cup in 2006. It also doesn't hurt that my other cousin who just moved back lived in South Africa until last year..so the world cup being held there is kind of a big deal for her. That, and that cousin MARRIED a football loving South African...so even if she didn't enjoy the game..she's mostly obligated to watch now

It also doesn't hurt that my aunt flew back from South Africa a couple weeks ago and brought me my very own vuvuzela..official FIFA gear yo. I'm so cool with my vuvuzela. My brother and my dad are definitely better at making theirs be noisy..but I still love mine. Who wouldn't love their own vuvuzela during the world cup?!

I find it all rather exciting though..it's pretty intense.

YELLOW CARD! RED CARD! FREE KICK! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Not to mention that it's a CRAZY GAME. It's not like hockey (I'm so un-canadian-ising myself right now...I'll probably be disowned any second now) where the guys are skating around la de daing...no don't get me wrong..still hard..but in football? THESE GUYS RUN UP AND DOWN A GINORMOUS FIELD. FOR AT LEAST NINTY MINUTES. Basically NON STOP.

That's INSANE.

Have you SEEN the size of the field? It's RIDICULOUS.

Hockey players are all "aw man, I've been skating up and down this little dinky rink for 3 minutes, better trade with someone else!" whereas these footballers are all "what, you want me to run the equivilant of a million miles non stop with a broken ankle.....whatevs...pass me the ball yo"

And they do magic tricks with their feet - I mean..really? You did WHAT with a ball and your feet and a huh now? How did you..uhh..do that? How are you not DEAD RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIPPED AND FALLEN ON YOUR FACE. I'll just...wait for the instant replay..because that footwork is CRAZY TALK. Not that they don't fall on their faces sometimes..but just the amount of time that they spend upright WHILE doing crazy things with their feet..well..dumbfounds me.

They also take some mad injuries. They get kicked, tripped and ripped apart.

I saw a guy get kicked full on in the chest. WITH CLEATS.

Dude. One word: OW.

The final kicker though?

The thing that makes me love soccer..probably more than anything?

WHO HAS A TEAM THAT HAS AN OCTOPUS THAT (more often than not CORRECTLY) IDENTIFIES WHETHER OR NOT TEAMS WILL WIN?

Soccer does.

Yeah, they do.

Really, after that...there's nothing else to be said.

Except...holy crap..I'm gonna miss the world cup not being on anymore.

Me...missing sports? Weird.

Ridiculous

I'm a pretty big deal. This is probably obvious to anyone who KNOWS me...but just in case you weren't aware..I thought that I'd fill ya in.

So the other day....I had a meltdown. I cried, screamed and wanted to bury myself in a hole and hide.

I was functioning on what felt like virtually no sleep..and didn't want to see or deal with anyone...but because I'm SO AWESOME I did it, and pretended to like it.

Although evidentially I wasn't fooling EVERYONE because I had a few people comment on the fact that I needed to take care of myself and ask if I was okay and etc. etc.

Whoops.

ANYWAYS. So I was minding my own business. Dark circle under my eyes, complemented with puffyness from a lack of sleep and an abundance of tears. Even if I'd been wearing makeup, it wouldn't have lasted through my temper tantrum.

Then I look up and some random guy is shoving a camera in my face (paparazzi WHAAAAAA?) and is asking me questions.

I stutter, say a few random things and look like a fool.

I make a face when he finally decides that he has harassed me enough, and leaves.

I'm so confused.

I mean, I know I'm super fabulous..but WHAT?

I've been interviewed for things before..and they always ASK you if they can interview you, give you a microphone and whatever whatever..so I was like..what the heck..who was this dude? Is the paparrazi ACTUALLY after me?

After contemplating my need for bodyguards, I realized that how horrendous I actually looked and thanked my lucky stars that this couldn't actually be anything real and must have been just some random crazy with a camera.

Alas - not quite so random. Although I'm pretty darn convinced about the crazy...turns out it was a news guy.

Turns out it was a "real interview"

And turns out EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD SAW THIS RIDICULOUS EXCUSE FOR AN INTERVIEW ON TV.

And they were polite enough to go "OOOH! LOOK (FILL IN THE BLANK NAME FOR THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER) IT'S THAT THERE GIRL FROM THE TELLYVISION!" ever since.

Yep. That's me. The girl from the tellyvision.

So instead of my regular adoring fan base from the commercials, where the old men go "har har har...look..it's the tv star..in the flesh!" or "hey young lady..saw ya on the tv...can I get your autograph..har har har"...I now have extended my fan base outside its regular realm of advertisement lovers.

This is almost as ridiculous as the time that I messed up a take on a special edition news spot and the guy thought it was hilarious and used it on the opening credits of the special edition FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER.

Doh.

At least that time they let me comb my hair before filming. I'm so glad that a copy of this doesn't exist on the internet.

Don't worry, there is no need to look for it..because I checked..it really doesn't exist. If it had of...I probably would have burnt it. Yep. Burned it from the internet. Despite not seeing it...I'm pretty sure that it really WAS that awful. In fact, it was probably so awful that it burned ITSELF and that's why it doesn't exist on the internet. True story, I hear the internet is awesome like that.

Oh - and FYI - I'm mostly back to normal again...as I slept a good 13 hours Wednesday night..and thus..am not a sleep deprived emo mess of yuck.

The Sun'll Come Out...Tomorrow (?)

Sometimes you just have one of those days..

Where you get next to no sleep, and that minimal sleep feels even less than it should be because you toss and turn all night.

Then you get up at an ungodly hour, drive two hours into the blazing hot downtown Toronto core, drop someone off...and drive another two hours back home. Mix in a healthy dose of those hours being infiltrated with idiot drivers and exhaustion wearing at you.

All before nine am.

Then you're so exhausted and so hot because the mercury has decided that it's like Barney from HIMYM's playlist (All rise, Baby) and it's so hot you sweat buckets while you sit.

So you gather up enough energy to move yourself into the pool and feel partly human again. You don't swim, because that would take up precious energy..but you sit in the water and wish you could live there.

You leave the pool because you've turned into a prune and your hair is coated in a disgusting layer of cholrine...but then waves of feeling gross and exhausted plague you once more.

So you drag yourself into your sweltering car to drive home, while trying to keep your eyelids off the floor...swearing that you're going to go to bed ASAP, trying to stay awake right then and there because you're so exhausted...but you're so exhausted, sweaty and your general lack of contentment means that every. little. thing. drives you ABSOLUTELY INSANE.

Arriving at your destination, you crawl into bed swearing that tomorrow will be better, that it always is after a good nights sleep.

You lie in a pool of your own sweat, dreaming of winter and negative temperatures because humans can't be expected to survive in this...

..and suddenly your alarm is going off again.

Another day has began.

You try to convince yourself it will be a better day, but yesterday looms over your head.

And suddenly you're dripping in sweat, throwing things and crying uncontrolably...all before 7am.

Ugh....Happy Wednesday.

Tomorrow has to be better...right?