Early Morning Ramblings

Lately, I've been plagued with thoughts of how I want to live my life. I'm finding that I have this internal struggle of how I'm living my life..versus how I WANT to live my life. I can see in my head, how I want it to go..but it doesn't correlate on paper quite as easily. I guess a lot of it is because I don't know exactly what I want..I haven't been able to properly put it into words, let alone know where I want to go and how to get there. It's all fine and wonderful in my head..but getting started, getting going and actually accomplishing things is another story. It's like I'm running a race..and I can picture myself running through the finish line victoriously..but I have no idea of the course I should take to actually run the race.

I guess that's just life though, because we never know the direction we will go..or what way we should take to get to the end..but we all have to get there anyway. The joy of life is though..that we do have that power and control..and has hard and difficult as it may be to TAKE it and actually USE it..we really are in control of our own lives..and can live them the way that we want to. Well, obviously, this is coming from a very middle class point of view..but that's my perspective that I happen to be living from..and as such, I feel like it's my duty to make sure that my life IS being lived in the way that I want it to be, because I am one of the lucky few who is given that chance and opportunity. I have plenty of education behind me, I have a good family, I have morals and values and beliefs...and I can do a lot of good for the world if I so choose to do it. It's amazing how many people I watch in my life..with the same things behind them...who I watch fall into patterns and traps and all of these things..without ever even glancing at the world around them..and it kind of breaks my heart. I'm no saint, I'm not even close..but I have a burning desire to do more and be more in my life...it's just a matter of finding out WHERE I want to go, then figuring out HOW to get there..and then getting up enough get up and go and motivation to get out the door and start running. Sometimes I think that what I need more than anything in life is a jump start. Something to boost my batteries and inspire me.

A while ago...I made myself a bucket list. You know, inspire from the movie about a man who is dying and makes a list of things he wants to do before he 'kicks the bucket'...and even though I have no plans of that happening ANYTIME soon...I thought..well..that's an interesting way to think about the things you want to do in life! And yes, I have been crossing things off of it. I thought that it was a good way to prioritize the things that I want in life, and then break it down so that I can attack the list one thing at a time...in hopes that doing these things, being involved in those things..I can make my life the life I want to live.

I've really realized in the last little while..that there is no point of living your life in a way that you don't want to. If you're not happy..what the hell is the point? This has become especially apparant in the last week with a lot of things that have been going on in my life. As you've probably all heard...none of us get out of this life alive...so, in a very morbid way..from the moment we are born..we are on the path to death. Of course, you can't live your life scared of death or scared of what could happen..but I've decided that in light of this realization..that it is necessary for me to live like I am dying..because really, that IS where we all end up in the grand scheme of things. Whether it be six days, six months, six years or sixty years..none of us get out of here alive. So I want to live my life as if I'm dying..regardless of whether it's actually soon or not. To embrace each moment like it's the best thing that has ever happened, to do things to make me happy, to smile more and criticize less..to travel, explore and dance. To do things which make ME happy, instead of always pleasing everyone else around me. To tell the people I love that I love them. To take pretty pictures. To try something new and exciting. To DO all of the things on my bucket list, and then have to go and find new things to add, so that my life continues to be an adventure that I want it to be...and to never want it to end...and so that I can I continue to love where I am and who I've become. There are silly things on there..like going for a ride on a hot air balloon..but there are also serious things...like volunteering with an organinzation that will make a life changing difference to someone, even if it's only one person. I have a lot on there..but I think that it's important to make that list, and to do the things ON that list...because I feel as though most people in life..all have a bucket list..whether or not they've written it down or thought about it is a different question..but we all have things that we want to do before we die..whether it be having children (on my list) or going to egypt (on my list too) or donating blood so that someone can have another chance to live, gets it..(yep, that one is there too) we all have things that float through our heads, that we say.."oooh..someday I want to DO that!"...but most people don't think about them and actively go out and DO them..because life gets too busy, too stressed, too whatever..and we all run around in circles, never doing what we want..not because we're lazy or apathetic..but a lot of the time..because we forget. Things happen..and we haven't made ourselves a list..so it floats off away into the distance, never gets done and becomes forgotten until it's too late, or when it's become 'a dream' that never happens. Sure, a lot of things on my list are off in the distant future, or they're things that I just can't do RIGHT now..but they're THERE, so that I don't forget, so that when I look at that list, I can say..oh right..but to DO that, I've gotta get myself over THERE, which, usually, is where I wanted to be in the first place..but I never had a motive or a reason for being there before..even though that's actually where I wanted to be. I've always found it important to write things down..whether it be through journaling, making lists or any other type of writing...it's a record, it's a way to remember..and this is no different. I feel that in creating a bucket list...by doing the things, and taking the steps it will take me to do a lot of them, it will mean that I can shape myself to be the person I want to be.

Man..life really should come with an operating mannual..sometimes it gets way too confusing..but I suppose, that would be the easy way out..and probably the boring way out too. So for now...I guess my bucket list will have to serve that purpose :)