I've always been that girl that wanted kids...even though the thought sometimes terrifies me....it's something that I just...want.
That being said - I've been going to some fun old prenatal lessons and they're kinda sorta making me SCARED BEYOND BELIEF to ever even THINK about having children.
So far it's been...tame.
Lessons about baby care. Babies 101. How to hold, bathe, and love your baby. Basically.
Then we learned A LOT about breastfeeding. Not all necessarily things you want to hear after a 12 hour day - but the reality of life and things that you kinda need to know if you're having a baby (but wait - I'm...not....? Hrm.)
EITHER WAY - they're both just warmups.
Because this weeks lesson is entitled 'giving birth - realities of childbirth' - WITH VIDEO.
..and I thought I was scared before.
After tomorrow - we'll...we'll just add an extra r and change it to scarred.
Oi.
..wish me luck - and that I get a seat near the door in case I (the girl with the worlds weakest stomach) has to puke.
I joke - I'm sure I'll be okay...right?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
The Dunce
As I've written about before, my cousin had to make one of the most difficult decisions ever and put her father into a home.
It was more difficult than you could ever imagine...having to watch someone you love so confused, so upset, so heartbroken - and then there was my cousin feeling the same intense wave of emotions, yet from the completely oppospite perspective.
Although he settled in with such ease that it almost had us dumbfounded - there were definitely still issues.
The biggest one being that he was in a 'secure' ward - locks in, locks out, no way to get out...but it also meant that the people there were REALLY out of it. They HAD to be in the locked unit, they were so completely out of it that we encountered many...crazy situations. He's now been moved - but the people on that floor..the ones who have no idea who THEY are, let alone who I was - are still some of the sweetest people I've ever seen. Sweet - but man, they were FULL of the crazy.
There was one who wandered the halls and would just follow you around - which was pretty normal for that floor.
Then there was Edith who would take my hand, kiss it and try to take me for a walk...and when she wasn't doing this...she would 'patrol' the halls - watching everyone and everything...once she came up to us - asked what we were doing, said 'okay, fine - send it off RIGHT AWAY!' and took off shuffling down the hall.
There were the girls - Katherine and Sadie - who giggled and gossiped with each other and would wander around the halls with their walkers and their purses, discussing where they would go today - 'oh would you like to go to the garden? Or we could watch a movie? Perhaps we should get a cup of tea this afternoon before dinner' etc. etc. and then they'd go and ask what time it was and flitter about doing their daily tasks while wandering around chatting with each other waiting for meal times or bath times or whatever else they were waiting for..
Then there was Irene.
She wandered around trying to cuddle with you, talking or singing to you in a high pitched voice through her missing teeth.
She had my heart - but that could be because whenever she saw me she'd sing "beaaaaaaautiful laaaaaaaaaaaady....i loveeeeeeee the laaaaaaaaaaaaady...what a wonderfuuuuuuul laaaaaaaaaaaady...i loveeeeeee the laaaaaaaaaaaady' while she took my hand and tried to get me to go somewhere, anywhere with her...haha
But one day...I was standing in the hall with my friend Jenn, minding my own business...waiting for my cousin and uncle to catch up with me as we were taking him out for the afternoon...and this woman in a wheel chair who I had never heard say ANYTHING even when she was asked questions or spoken to comes up and looks at us and then exclaims "you're just standing around like a bunch of dunces...dunce dunce dunce...why are you standing around like a big old dunce'
And then rolled off and about as if nothing ever happened...while we stood there wondering what the heck had happened...and what exactly a dunce stood like.
Oh the special care floor...what a bunch of characters.
It was more difficult than you could ever imagine...having to watch someone you love so confused, so upset, so heartbroken - and then there was my cousin feeling the same intense wave of emotions, yet from the completely oppospite perspective.
Although he settled in with such ease that it almost had us dumbfounded - there were definitely still issues.
The biggest one being that he was in a 'secure' ward - locks in, locks out, no way to get out...but it also meant that the people there were REALLY out of it. They HAD to be in the locked unit, they were so completely out of it that we encountered many...crazy situations. He's now been moved - but the people on that floor..the ones who have no idea who THEY are, let alone who I was - are still some of the sweetest people I've ever seen. Sweet - but man, they were FULL of the crazy.
There was one who wandered the halls and would just follow you around - which was pretty normal for that floor.
Then there was Edith who would take my hand, kiss it and try to take me for a walk...and when she wasn't doing this...she would 'patrol' the halls - watching everyone and everything...once she came up to us - asked what we were doing, said 'okay, fine - send it off RIGHT AWAY!' and took off shuffling down the hall.
There were the girls - Katherine and Sadie - who giggled and gossiped with each other and would wander around the halls with their walkers and their purses, discussing where they would go today - 'oh would you like to go to the garden? Or we could watch a movie? Perhaps we should get a cup of tea this afternoon before dinner' etc. etc. and then they'd go and ask what time it was and flitter about doing their daily tasks while wandering around chatting with each other waiting for meal times or bath times or whatever else they were waiting for..
Then there was Irene.
She wandered around trying to cuddle with you, talking or singing to you in a high pitched voice through her missing teeth.
She had my heart - but that could be because whenever she saw me she'd sing "beaaaaaaautiful laaaaaaaaaaaady....i loveeeeeeee the laaaaaaaaaaaaady...what a wonderfuuuuuuul laaaaaaaaaaaady...i loveeeeeee the laaaaaaaaaaaady' while she took my hand and tried to get me to go somewhere, anywhere with her...haha
But one day...I was standing in the hall with my friend Jenn, minding my own business...waiting for my cousin and uncle to catch up with me as we were taking him out for the afternoon...and this woman in a wheel chair who I had never heard say ANYTHING even when she was asked questions or spoken to comes up and looks at us and then exclaims "you're just standing around like a bunch of dunces...dunce dunce dunce...why are you standing around like a big old dunce'
And then rolled off and about as if nothing ever happened...while we stood there wondering what the heck had happened...and what exactly a dunce stood like.
Oh the special care floor...what a bunch of characters.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Love Hate Relationships
I have a big, bold statement to put out there into the world of the internets.
Yeah.
I know.
Me, taking a stand for something, anything. Whodda THUNK it?
Not me. Or probably you. Or you over there sitting in the corner...you know you wouldn't have. Seriously, just admit it.
Anyways - here is my big, bold statement.
I. Dislike. Pie.
....
....
....
Okay. The screams of horror need to end.
I know some people make valid arguments. Take for instance The Scientific Approach written over at Hyperbole and a Half.
Yeah.
Those would be some darn convincing arguments.
Can't argue with science dude.
Except....that...I do.
It's true...I cannot tell a lie...99% of the time...I don't enjoy pie.
Not because I don't enjoy delicious fruit filling - because I DO....it makes my heart AND my tummy happy.
But pie crust?
Ewwy, ewwy, YUCK.
So yuck infact...that I would rather eat cake. I would give up all of the yummy filling..because I don't like pie crust. And I would trade it all in for cake.
Yeah. CAKE.
Well - unless my mom makes the pie....and then the pie crust is flaky and melt in your mouth and delicious and wonderful and it doesn't taste like you're eating pie - it only tastes like you're eating heaven filled with yum.
Yep. Go Back. Take your time. Read it again.
One more time for the books?
My mom's piecrust is HEAVEN FILLED WITH YUM.
Today's lesson? Yum is good. Ewwy ewwy yuck is not. Therefore, you should all come over and try some of my mom's pie...because it's pure awesome.
Except you probably shouldn't...because it's mine. All mine.
Okay - Today's REAL lesson? Erin's bad at sharing...at least when it comes to her mom's homemade pie.
Yeah.
I know.
Me, taking a stand for something, anything. Whodda THUNK it?
Not me. Or probably you. Or you over there sitting in the corner...you know you wouldn't have. Seriously, just admit it.
Anyways - here is my big, bold statement.
I. Dislike. Pie.
....
....
....
Okay. The screams of horror need to end.
I know some people make valid arguments. Take for instance The Scientific Approach written over at Hyperbole and a Half.
Yeah.
Those would be some darn convincing arguments.
Can't argue with science dude.
Except....that...I do.
It's true...I cannot tell a lie...99% of the time...I don't enjoy pie.
Not because I don't enjoy delicious fruit filling - because I DO....it makes my heart AND my tummy happy.
But pie crust?
Ewwy, ewwy, YUCK.
So yuck infact...that I would rather eat cake. I would give up all of the yummy filling..because I don't like pie crust. And I would trade it all in for cake.
Yeah. CAKE.
Well - unless my mom makes the pie....and then the pie crust is flaky and melt in your mouth and delicious and wonderful and it doesn't taste like you're eating pie - it only tastes like you're eating heaven filled with yum.
Yep. Go Back. Take your time. Read it again.
One more time for the books?
My mom's piecrust is HEAVEN FILLED WITH YUM.
Today's lesson? Yum is good. Ewwy ewwy yuck is not. Therefore, you should all come over and try some of my mom's pie...because it's pure awesome.
Except you probably shouldn't...because it's mine. All mine.
Okay - Today's REAL lesson? Erin's bad at sharing...at least when it comes to her mom's homemade pie.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Frustration
Note: I wrote this post a little while..perhaps even weeks ago now...and just now found it sitting in my 'drafts' folder - although it's not necessarily as relevant to TODAY persay, a great deal of it is still is relevant to life in general..so thus, today you get ramblings from the inner workings of Erin's brain when she happened to be in a little bit of a mood. Consider yourself warned.
Todays Letter is F, and the word of the day is frustration.
Sometimes I just find myself in a perpetual state of frustration.
Frustration with people - because they just don't get it. They don't get what's going through my head, why I think the way I do, why I do things the way I do or why I am the way I am. I'm me. That's all I can be. I'm so tired to bending over backwards to try and please EVERYONE and always coming up short. It's as if I've gotten to the point where I've tried and tried and tried and tried and it's never been good enough for ANYONE...so now I just am sitting on the side of the curb, I've thrown my hands in the air and I just don't care anymore. I know that I'm losing people in my life because of it...but I don't know if I can even be bothered anymore because I'm just so frustrated with it always being like this. I'm tired of trying to do everything and leaving myself short. I'm tired of always going out of my way to do extra things and special things - and instead of just toning it down a little - I seem to have just sunk into a black hole of nothing. I'm spent, I'm tired, and I can't think or focus on anything or anyone anymore. I just want to hide from everything - and yet again, no one gets it and I just continually feel like a giant ball of failure. Even when I do manage to get my stuff together, it's never good enough for anyone - let alone lasts long enough to satisfy anyone. All I want to do is hide from everyone, but I can't do that either - so I'm stuck here in limbo - with no idea where the door is.
I'm frustrated with the world...knowledge is power, but it also has the tremendous power to put a heavy burden on your shoulders. Feeling as though there are so many things that could be done, if only people opened their eyes and gave a damn. And feeling powerless to do anything, feeling like anything you can do is so miniscule that it doesn't matter anyways. Even if I KNOW that it would and does. Wanting to do more, to BE more - and never having (making?) enough time, energy or money to do what your heart dreams of being able to do. So many sad stories, so many heartbreaks - and so little that can be done. Watching and participating in things that waste so much time, effort and who knows what else for things that just don't matter in the long run - when there are so many other things out there that need a new idea, a new thought, a helping hand or a hug.
And...as always, frustration with myself, for a million and a half different things that is kind of pointless to even think about getting into here. Wanting to be a better person, but never being that. Wanting to make changes, to make things better - wanting to do more and be more and getting stuck in this endless cycle of frustration - and then getting angry at the cycle of frustration instead of doing something about it.
And now I'm sitting on the internet writing about it instead of doing something about it.
Cue: A new cycle of frustration. Gah.
Todays Letter is F, and the word of the day is frustration.
Sometimes I just find myself in a perpetual state of frustration.
Frustration with people - because they just don't get it. They don't get what's going through my head, why I think the way I do, why I do things the way I do or why I am the way I am. I'm me. That's all I can be. I'm so tired to bending over backwards to try and please EVERYONE and always coming up short. It's as if I've gotten to the point where I've tried and tried and tried and tried and it's never been good enough for ANYONE...so now I just am sitting on the side of the curb, I've thrown my hands in the air and I just don't care anymore. I know that I'm losing people in my life because of it...but I don't know if I can even be bothered anymore because I'm just so frustrated with it always being like this. I'm tired of trying to do everything and leaving myself short. I'm tired of always going out of my way to do extra things and special things - and instead of just toning it down a little - I seem to have just sunk into a black hole of nothing. I'm spent, I'm tired, and I can't think or focus on anything or anyone anymore. I just want to hide from everything - and yet again, no one gets it and I just continually feel like a giant ball of failure. Even when I do manage to get my stuff together, it's never good enough for anyone - let alone lasts long enough to satisfy anyone. All I want to do is hide from everyone, but I can't do that either - so I'm stuck here in limbo - with no idea where the door is.
I'm frustrated with the world...knowledge is power, but it also has the tremendous power to put a heavy burden on your shoulders. Feeling as though there are so many things that could be done, if only people opened their eyes and gave a damn. And feeling powerless to do anything, feeling like anything you can do is so miniscule that it doesn't matter anyways. Even if I KNOW that it would and does. Wanting to do more, to BE more - and never having (making?) enough time, energy or money to do what your heart dreams of being able to do. So many sad stories, so many heartbreaks - and so little that can be done. Watching and participating in things that waste so much time, effort and who knows what else for things that just don't matter in the long run - when there are so many other things out there that need a new idea, a new thought, a helping hand or a hug.
And...as always, frustration with myself, for a million and a half different things that is kind of pointless to even think about getting into here. Wanting to be a better person, but never being that. Wanting to make changes, to make things better - wanting to do more and be more and getting stuck in this endless cycle of frustration - and then getting angry at the cycle of frustration instead of doing something about it.
And now I'm sitting on the internet writing about it instead of doing something about it.
Cue: A new cycle of frustration. Gah.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Some News
Last week I talked vaguely about the life and times of rumours in a small town...
And well, dear internets...I have some news.
I start classes this week.
What classes you may ask?
Classes of the prenatal variety.
Which means that unless you've been hiding under a rock - you can PROBABLY guess what that means.
...
.....
........
Yeah.
If you guessed that my cousins sister is a big wig at Harvard, her mom is watching the world cup in South Africa and her husband is advancing his future by finishing his post grad in another city - and I'm left to be my pregnant cousins prenatal class partner - then you're DEFINITELY right on the money.
If you thought that I was pregnant and that's what the rumours are about - then I can only assume that you have indeed been hiding under a rock and tell you without a doubt in my mind that you were WRONG. Sucka.
Had you worried for a second there - didn't I?
You may now go back to trying to resume your breathing at a natural pace, telling your heart to quit racing and calm down with the knowledge that I'm not procreating...yet.
Although I'm sure that after these classes - the chances of me EVER wanting to have my own children will be drastically diminished.
I hear that the only reason they get people to take the classes ANYWAYS is 'cause they're already knocked up ;)
And well, dear internets...I have some news.
I start classes this week.
What classes you may ask?
Classes of the prenatal variety.
Which means that unless you've been hiding under a rock - you can PROBABLY guess what that means.
...
.....
........
Yeah.
If you guessed that my cousins sister is a big wig at Harvard, her mom is watching the world cup in South Africa and her husband is advancing his future by finishing his post grad in another city - and I'm left to be my pregnant cousins prenatal class partner - then you're DEFINITELY right on the money.
If you thought that I was pregnant and that's what the rumours are about - then I can only assume that you have indeed been hiding under a rock and tell you without a doubt in my mind that you were WRONG. Sucka.
Had you worried for a second there - didn't I?
You may now go back to trying to resume your breathing at a natural pace, telling your heart to quit racing and calm down with the knowledge that I'm not procreating...yet.
Although I'm sure that after these classes - the chances of me EVER wanting to have my own children will be drastically diminished.
I hear that the only reason they get people to take the classes ANYWAYS is 'cause they're already knocked up ;)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
What's in a keyword..
So a while ago I signed up for google analytics. It was new, it was hip, it was...fun. I guess? It's interesting to see who comes to visit your blog and from where...but I don't entirely understand the results all of the time...so I don't spend too much time bumming around on it. Infact, I hadn't been on it in as long as I could remember...so when I quite literally stumbled across it I was like...ooh! Let's go look and see.
Found out a few things - Like I have more random secret readers than I thought. Yeah - I know about you! The secret is out! Liklihood is that I probably secretly creep you too - so I know what it's all about.
But I also discovered this little thing about 'keywords' - which I guess is what people type into google and then come across your blog via.
And I laughed.
Because I had some pretty fun keywords.
Ones that I was like...uhh...how the heck is this even REMOTELY related to ANTYHING that I've EVER written?
So I went back and looked at the entire history of google keywords and these are a few that I found:
whatthehellarewedoingtoday - Dude - I have no idea what you're doing today! Sorry! And yeah. All one word.
"the nanny diaries" - Man - If I had any writing capabilities I'd SO pitch 'The Nanny Diaries Two - I'm totally sure I could do it..right?
what things bump in the night that are canadian - Sorry man..I dunno either - I hear beavers have pretty good eyesight - so I'm just about as stummped as you..
l'arrivé du 1$ au canada - which basically means 'arrive in canada with one dollar' - and if that's true - I'm sorry you just spent that dollah at an internet cafe looking at my blog - whatcha gonna do now?! I don't know who you talked to before you came..but contrary to popular belief..things are expensive here and reading my blog is not going to make you rich. I know, bummer.
But my FAVOURITE - BY FAR? The one that happened YESTERDAY?
Someone came to my blog looking for 'sterilized cheese'.
how. awesome. is. that.
I have no idea what the heck anything I've ever written has to do with sterilized cheese - but I'm so happy that it in some way does..because that's just buckets of awesome and hilarity.
So to the person in Iran looking for sterilized cheese - I'm sorry I couldn't be more of a help - I hope all of your grandest dairy dreams and wishes come true someday!
Found out a few things - Like I have more random secret readers than I thought. Yeah - I know about you! The secret is out! Liklihood is that I probably secretly creep you too - so I know what it's all about.
But I also discovered this little thing about 'keywords' - which I guess is what people type into google and then come across your blog via.
And I laughed.
Because I had some pretty fun keywords.
Ones that I was like...uhh...how the heck is this even REMOTELY related to ANTYHING that I've EVER written?
So I went back and looked at the entire history of google keywords and these are a few that I found:
whatthehellarewedoingtoday - Dude - I have no idea what you're doing today! Sorry! And yeah. All one word.
"the nanny diaries" - Man - If I had any writing capabilities I'd SO pitch 'The Nanny Diaries Two - I'm totally sure I could do it..right?
what things bump in the night that are canadian - Sorry man..I dunno either - I hear beavers have pretty good eyesight - so I'm just about as stummped as you..
l'arrivé du 1$ au canada - which basically means 'arrive in canada with one dollar' - and if that's true - I'm sorry you just spent that dollah at an internet cafe looking at my blog - whatcha gonna do now?! I don't know who you talked to before you came..but contrary to popular belief..things are expensive here and reading my blog is not going to make you rich. I know, bummer.
But my FAVOURITE - BY FAR? The one that happened YESTERDAY?
Someone came to my blog looking for 'sterilized cheese'.
how. awesome. is. that.
I have no idea what the heck anything I've ever written has to do with sterilized cheese - but I'm so happy that it in some way does..because that's just buckets of awesome and hilarity.
So to the person in Iran looking for sterilized cheese - I'm sorry I couldn't be more of a help - I hope all of your grandest dairy dreams and wishes come true someday!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Forgetful....Something.
Last weekend I stopped by the hardware store to buy some fireworks for the first long weekend of the season that had been upon us.
As I was perusing the fireworks another display up near the front cash registers caught my eye. As I made my way over to that section - one of the cashiers, a young girl with dark brown hair stopped me in my tracks.
With an 'OH! MY! GOD!
To which I of course responded "Yes?".
But then she started gushing. And talking. And asking me personal questions about my family. While using their names. And then she used MY name.
And then I got freaked the hell out - who WAS this girl? What did she want from me and WHY THE HECK DID SHE KNOW SO MUCH INFORMATION ABOUT MY LIFE?
After making small talk which didn't pertain to anything in particular (staying away from the details helps when you have no idea who you're talking to, yet they still know you) she had to deal with another customer so I slipped off back to the previous fireworks display.
My cousins husband started questioning who the girl was and how I knew her - and quite literally the only answer I could give him was that I had NO idea what-so-ever.
As I came up to the cash registers to pay, I was like..Oh jeeze..please don't let her be my cashi-Aw, crap. Too late.
She started talking again - asking about my time in europe and then started talking about herself.
I was like...oh no...danger zone..danger zone...I don't know what she's talking about...and then while I was trying to figure out how to get out of there without her realizing I had NO idea who she was she was like 'yeah, did you know that Spencer had a baby!?' and I was like 'No - I had no idea' and she started talking about how CUTE the baby was and how she was so sweet and blah blah blah - And I'm all - I don't KNOW any Spencers - I vaguely know one who is a few years younger than me, but why the heck would I care if he had a baby - and he couldn't have had a baby because I defintely know his ex-girlfriend and she DEFINITELY didn't have a baby - let alone have a baby 18 months ago.
So I rack my brain and by this point she's telling me something about her parents - and in my head I'm all..dude..why would I know your parents?
And then suddenly it hits me.
Yeah - the fact that I love self absorbed teens that talk about themselves...because I just put the pieces together.
It's Christine, who has a sister named Julia and a brother named ...DING DING DING!....Spencer!
All of whom I use to babysit....
Suddenly it all fell into place.
I still see their parents around and about on a regular basis - but haven't seen the kids in YEARS....so between the fact that they've grown up - and the fact that she now has black hair instead of blonde - it kinda makes sense that I didn't recognize her.
But it kinda means that I'm officially REAL old - 'cause the kids that I BABYSAT are now having kids.
I hear that memory loss happens as you get older..but sheesh.
Crap. Please excuse me while I go get my de-wrinkler-cream....I totally forgot about it.
As I was perusing the fireworks another display up near the front cash registers caught my eye. As I made my way over to that section - one of the cashiers, a young girl with dark brown hair stopped me in my tracks.
With an 'OH! MY! GOD!
To which I of course responded "Yes?".
But then she started gushing. And talking. And asking me personal questions about my family. While using their names. And then she used MY name.
And then I got freaked the hell out - who WAS this girl? What did she want from me and WHY THE HECK DID SHE KNOW SO MUCH INFORMATION ABOUT MY LIFE?
After making small talk which didn't pertain to anything in particular (staying away from the details helps when you have no idea who you're talking to, yet they still know you) she had to deal with another customer so I slipped off back to the previous fireworks display.
My cousins husband started questioning who the girl was and how I knew her - and quite literally the only answer I could give him was that I had NO idea what-so-ever.
As I came up to the cash registers to pay, I was like..Oh jeeze..please don't let her be my cashi-Aw, crap. Too late.
She started talking again - asking about my time in europe and then started talking about herself.
I was like...oh no...danger zone..danger zone...I don't know what she's talking about...and then while I was trying to figure out how to get out of there without her realizing I had NO idea who she was she was like 'yeah, did you know that Spencer had a baby!?' and I was like 'No - I had no idea' and she started talking about how CUTE the baby was and how she was so sweet and blah blah blah - And I'm all - I don't KNOW any Spencers - I vaguely know one who is a few years younger than me, but why the heck would I care if he had a baby - and he couldn't have had a baby because I defintely know his ex-girlfriend and she DEFINITELY didn't have a baby - let alone have a baby 18 months ago.
So I rack my brain and by this point she's telling me something about her parents - and in my head I'm all..dude..why would I know your parents?
And then suddenly it hits me.
Yeah - the fact that I love self absorbed teens that talk about themselves...because I just put the pieces together.
It's Christine, who has a sister named Julia and a brother named ...DING DING DING!....Spencer!
All of whom I use to babysit....
Suddenly it all fell into place.
I still see their parents around and about on a regular basis - but haven't seen the kids in YEARS....so between the fact that they've grown up - and the fact that she now has black hair instead of blonde - it kinda makes sense that I didn't recognize her.
But it kinda means that I'm officially REAL old - 'cause the kids that I BABYSAT are now having kids.
I hear that memory loss happens as you get older..but sheesh.
Crap. Please excuse me while I go get my de-wrinkler-cream....I totally forgot about it.
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